When did Black Friday shopping become the real-life Hunger Games? Is it really necessary to be at a bargain store at 11:59pm, so that you may deck your fellow man (women or ze) as you’re running for a toaster oven by Black and Decker? Is it necessary to dropkick a sweat-panted shopper for 50% off an immersion blender? Was the 50 inch big screen so important to you, you ran down a pack of teenagers with the rabid ferocity of a honey badger on crack?
Amidst all the holiday bargain scuffling, these two missing links at K-Mart duked it out over a shopping cart. Not to be confused with a rose-scented, self-flushing toilet for $9.99. A shopping cart. Or so the footage appears to show.
Behold, the National Geographic episode of Trailer Park in The Wild:
“He touched him first!”
“He brung this cart in himself and rolled it there. He took it!” says the real life version of Cinderella’s evil stepmother. If Cinderella lived in a trailer park down by the river. Who didn’t clean tile flors, but polished wheel rims. All hanging on the side of the double wide.
Firstly, I don’t care who brung the cart. Secondly, if you’re fighting over a cart, and think you’re in the right…
And you need to go first. I volunteer to cap you in the knees, so the zombies can feast on your flesh. While the rest of us, who avoid Black Friday like Michael Moore avoids spinach, can flee to higher ground. Where “higher ground” is actually our own superior intelligence. Amazon.com, people. It has its own app. With the added benefit of a social justice warrior machine. Christmas shop while sipping coffee. On your couch. As civilized people do. Pants optional.
Keep the change, you filthy animals.