As anyone who’s read my abstinence column here at LouderWithCrowder.com could guess, my wedding is something that I’ve looked forward to for quite some time. After having tied the knot at the end of August, I can now say beyond all shadow of a doubt, that it was everything I’d hoped and prayed that it would be since childhood. (I’d also prayed to be bitten by a radioactive spider and develop sticky hands, but… I was an idiot.)
Let me preface this column by saying this: my wife (I have to get used to saying that) and I not only waited sexually in every way (no, we didn’t pull the Bill Clinton and technically avoid “sex” sex,) but we didn’t shack up as live-ins and most importantly, we courted each other in a way that was consistent with our publicly professed values.
We did it right.
Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing. I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth.
Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less. You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.
We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said.
Turns out that people couldn’t have been more wrong. Looking back, I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.
I think it’s important to write this column not to gloat (though I’ll be glad to), but to speak up for all of the young couples that have also done things the right way. When people do marriage right, they don’t complain so much, and so their voices are silenced by the rabble of promiscuous charlatans, peddling their pathetic world view as “progressive.”
Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing. I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth. I know everybody says that their bride was the “most beautiful in the world.” They’re wrong. I win.
I’d like to tell you a story of our morning after, however. One that transpired into one of the most glaring epiphanies I’d ever had.
As my wife (again, still not used to that) and I ate breakfast at a local inn, we discussed how excited we were to start the rest of our lives together, how scary it was that everything was now so different. At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence!
“The thing is, nothing’s really changed,” the bride said.
Puzzled, my wife asked, “Did you get married last night too? So did we!”
“Congratulations!” the other dame said. “Yeah we did, just last night.”
“Where’s the groom?” my wife innocently… scratch that, naively asked.
“Oh, he’s sleeping. There was no way he was coming out with me this morning!” She paused and smirked. “Let’s just say that he’s got a lingering headache from a really good time last night.”
My heart sank. Firstly, that poor schmuck’s “good time” was simply getting snookered. Not enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends with a clear head and clean conscience, not staring in awe at his beautiful new wife, wanting to soak in every glimmer of her eyes as she shot him heart-racing looks from across the dance floor, not taking all of the cheesy pictures as they cut the cake, not even carrying her across that suite threshold as they nervously anticipated their “nightcap.” He probably won’t remember any of it. Instead, he got smashed. He was “that guy”… at his own freaking wedding.
Then I realized something. Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together. Our family traveled from far and wide to celebrate the decision of two young people to truly commit themselves to each other, and selflessly give themselves to one another in a way that they never had before that very night.
The people next to us that morning? Well, theirs was just one big party. And the morning after? Just another hangover.
Our “weddings” were the same event in name only. They know it, and we know it.
Do yours the right way. If you’re young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot/mimbo and do it the world’s way. If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is. Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.
Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.
Originally posted on FoxNews.com
it is wonderful to do it the right way, Gods way, the best benefit is when you do it Gods way he blesses your marriage and makes it so strong nothing can ever break it, congrats on doing it right you will always be glad you did.
Congratulations on your marriage! It’s wonderful that you and your wife are so happy together and have found your heart’s other half.
That said, the idea of virginity until marriage is not necessarily Biblical. (Like Ruth and Boaz; it can be explained as something other than sex with a lot of contortions and justifications, but the simplest and most human interpretation is probably the correct one.) Adultery is rightly condemned as sex outside of marriage, but premarital sex, especially between two in-love and betrothed people? There is a lot of genuinely bad stuff going on in this world and God has other things to worry about.
I didn’t have sex until I met my now-husband. We waited awhile, i.e. not on the first or third date, but we certainly didn’t wait the three years from when we started dating until we were married. It never once felt sinful before marriage, because we were both deeply in love and we both knew the other was The One. Our wedding night was as special as can be, because it was the capstone to the strong, abiding love we had built with one another. And yes, it did feel different in the morning.
It’s understandable to be full of joy and bliss at this moment, as you should! But everyone else’s relationships can’t be judged by such a black-and-white standard as “we waited and you didn’t”, and that those who didn’t wait aren’t promiscuous harlots. It’s not that simple. As long as there’s honest love between human beings in the world, I believe God is happy.
Wishing you a long, happy, and blessed marriage 🙂
congratulations on a successful marriage….but if you want to invoke God into the formula, then learn about His original intent called betrothal. We have strayed a million miles from His ideal in the Christian Church, and remember what He said about himself: I change not!
Premarital sex is never, under any circumstances a “grey area” to God. Don’t deceive yourself. Read your Bible with hunger for absolute truth. It is either immutable or it is useless! If we twist one doctrine to adapt to our lukewarm devotion to Him, then it can all change. Slippery slope, my friend.
Sloppy obedience means you choose to be a follower of Christ, but not a desciple. “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”
So true. This article is basically “My wife and I waited until our wedding night and the couple next to us didn’t. We were happy and they weren’t so obviously we were right.” This “reasoning” is idiotic. Sure, congrats. It’s great it worked out for him, but he’s just being judgmental and arrogant.
Perfect response! Thank you!!
Betrothal was a 9-12 month period, after engagement, when the husband and soon to be wife separated giving the husband time to set up a home for his future wife. This is why Joseph was so ready to divorce the pregnant Mary; though betrothed to each other and having never been together bibically speaking, she was with child. Now I realize that many do not espouse to the teachings of the Bible, that said; after 34 wonderful years of marriage, I can tell you that there is more to a happy married life then sex. Too many couples marry because of physical compatibility and then years down the road discover, uhm, I don’t really like you. Much time spent in the bedroom, does not prepare people to be best friends in all the other rooms of the house. (and I’m not opposed to being husband and wife in other rooms of the house, by the way). Become friends, best friends before you marry and let the physical side be a bonus.
Wow I am all for waiting
But this article is truly awful. I cringe for any non-Christians reading this and believing this to be the mindset of every other Christian who is waiting. What an indulgently patronizing and martyrlike spirit the author must have felt while writing this, which although has good points, COMPLETELY undoes any progress by being cruel and judgmental towards people who aren’t right with God rather than being loving and compassionate.
Yep. Pat yourself on the back, because clearly you’re the better people because you waited.
Spoiler alert: God didn’t put strings on His death on the cross for us. All sins are equal in His eyes and all sins cost the same- HIS life.
Maybe step off that pedestal and take a moment to pray over what this article was TRULY intended for- to preach to nonbelievers on the benefits of waiting until marriage, or to pat yourselves on the back for doing the impossible all while insulting anyone who may have lived their lives differently.
Ugh.
Thank you for saying what I was feeling. My wedding was Godly and our married sex was spiritual and special. We started our life with the love and blessings of both families, too. I’m really sorry this guy was “ridiculed” for his choices, but I cannot see how he can justify ridiculing and belittling people for theirs. This sort of gloating and judging is NOT Christian, and will only damage the hearts of those who have not decided to follow Jesus. Very destructive and mean spirited.
If this is how the author presents his case, then I seriously doubt he was ridiculed for being abstinent. More likely he was ridiculed for being an arrogant, judgmental jerk.
He sure does like feeling persecuted, doesn’t he.
Yes, as a Christian who is all for waiting herself, I agree with you. It was VERY patronizing and name calling on non-Christians who are just going to be non-Christians because they’ve been taught it was okay. YES, I understand that the author was judged and name called but that doesn’t excuse him from judging and name calling back. Any non-Christian who read this who had an idea that Christians are judgmental and self-righteous will feel justified reading this article.
I’m confused. This couple at the other table that also just got married… first Crowder implies there’s a newlywed couple at the next table, then he says that it’s just the wife and she explains that her new husband won’t come down for breakfast because he has “a lingering headache from a really good time last night.” And then he leaps to the assumption that it was from drinking in excess when she could have meant really good sex or just a really good time at the wedding and not enough sleep. And then he says all sorts of nasty things about this other couple that he knows absolutely nothing about.
This story doesn’t hang together. Was this other woman just sitting there talking to herself? Was she with friends or relatives? If she’s with friends and relatives, why does he then tear into her for not “enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends”? Oh right, because supposedly she doesn’t have ” a clear head and clean conscience”. Because she didn’t do things the way he thinks she should have.
You know, that really is none of Crowder’s business and it’s highly likely her head and her conscience are just fine, thank you very much. He can’t feel good about his own decisions without ridiculing and judging and kicking other people for theirs, people he doesn’t even know, and then complains about supposedly being ridiculed and judged? What a jerk.
So what if he’s unapologetic, liberals do that all the time. Except he’s right. Liberals want to con our young people out of their livelihood, health, and even children to sell for parts, with dumb ideas about sex so they can feel morally superior or make the drug and condom companies rich. Everyone’s a hypocrite. At least becoming a Christian means you can admit it.
What the heck did you read; feeling a little guilty or something? Any non-Christian reading anything truly Christian loves to call it judgmental. Christ said the world hated him and they would hate his followers equally. Do you think it was because they are telling the world what they want to hear. “do whatever you feel and it’s all good with God.” Steven is sharing the joy of doing things God’s way.
No it’s judgemental because the author declared it to be so himself. “Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.”
^See?
The author needs to read and pray over James 4:12 and Matthew 6:5.
You know what, Christians don’t burn in the court of public opinion, only secular folks do. So all this “that’s judgmental” crap is retarded and a compliance tactic to make themselves feel better. Even Hitler thought he was self-righteous in his own eyes. The fact is, our culture and Hollywood sells lies and markets it as “equality” or “sexual freedom”, and they have no regard for the aftermath. There is such thing as too much love—when you hesitate to speak in truth.
Laura, I couldn’t agree with you more. Although his intentions were good, his delivery was all wrong… He mocked other Christians – behaving in a manner closer to Satan than the Savior. The Savior would never want any of us to feel hopeless, belittled, or like there is no potential to change. As a Christian who believes in waiting for marriage, I am extremely offended and appalled by the author’s scathing words.
I abstained. I abstained from calling other women harlots, promiscuous, or floozies. And I abstained from marrying a man who would call women these derogatory names.
Catherine, Right On!! I hope his wife never commits any “sin” that this self righteous, self important Christian would find unforgivable.
There is no sin that is unforgivable; but there is unforgivable sin when people thumb their nose at God and do what they please. He speaks of believers and unbelievers in the scripture for a reason. Though we all make mistakes, to blatantly tell God he can take His Word and shove is not the same as making a mistake and being truly remorseful for it. If you truly love the Father, you read his Word and follow it to the best you can.
Catherine, YES! As a Christian, I feel very sorry for his wife who may be the object of name-calling and belittlement at any moment.
Thank you for this great article. My husband and I abstained (didn’t even think of not), and both my children abstained until their wedding night. We’ve been married 42 years and it has been amazing. My dad once told me he knew he could walk proudly with my mom and know other men weren’t talking behind his back about their sexual experiences with his wife. They were married 52 years before his death. Both of my children are in happy fulfilling marriages and serving God with their spouses. We have no sexual hangups and enjoy ALL aspects of our married lives. My daughter encountered SEVERE persecution at work before she married because they were so angry to find out she and her husband-to-be were virgins. She is very quiet and was not rubbing this in people’s faces, they just assumed she engaged in indiscriminate sex like her coworkers and were enraged to find out differently. How amazing that when I was a young woman, it was considered good to be pure, and now it generates terrible anger and hatred.
BTW. my husband has pastored 35 years and has his D.Th. My son has his M.Div. and the narration of Ruth and Boaz DOES NOT mean they had premarital sex. Read up on the Kinsman/Redeemer custom before you put that error out there again, Sarah!
The kinsman/redeemer principle is so beautiful but so widely untaught bcs the symbolism is not understood by those who do not have eyes to see or ears to hear. I love the story of Ruth and Boaz and how it teaches me abt my relationship with my Savior!
Good for you!! You can be sure that so many people make fun of those who wait and I truly believe this is why he said it this way! What an encouragement to those who wait!!
I think this slut-shaming guilt piece is incredibly UNCHRISTIAN, not to mention rude.
“I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were” Really? Does your sole value of a women rest on weather or not she has expressed her sexuality to you and only you? Do you like women? or do you just like the idea of a prize and the way they make your penis feel? Anyone who actually respected women would not have said such things out out.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe a young girl could have been raped? Forced into sex against her will? Maybe at the age of 8, or even at 28? Then looked to the attitudes like what you have expressed in this article and thought that she would never be valued for who she is, but rather judged by the status of her virginity?
Do you really want your daughters to think that the only thing that matters, being a woman, is sex?
I hoped to read this article to get a new perspective and possibly understand why someone would want to wait, but I can see that this is part of the problem of rape culture, not part of the solution.
I am sorry people teased you because you decided to wait – but I am more sorry about that young woman who cries in church because her neighbor raped her at ten, and the women who turned to drugs or alcohol instead of pursuing and education because they never felt valued as a beautiful mind after their boyfriend of two years decided that it wasn’t a good fit for marriage and they made the mutual decision to part, and the woman who lays in bed with her husband who now feels soiled after so many years of thinking that sex is a foul thing instead of a healthy expression of the human experience.
I wont condemn you or call you names, I just hope that once you know better, you will do better, and actually respect women.
OH MY GOODNESS. Can I just give a HUGE AMEN!!?! My life in a nut shell. Laughing, mocking, and being told my wedding night was going to be awkward and far from perfect. It was AMAZING. Blessings you to guys!
This is the most rediculous thing that I have ever heard. This person is so rude and doesn’t have a heart. There is no “right” way to get married. Everyone has their own way! If you wait to have sex until you are married, that is great! If you have sex before, that’s fine too! It’s your own freaking choice. Jesus will still love you the same. I cannot believe what I just read.
I thought judging was for God to do. I did not abstain from sex before marriage, but I don’t judge people who do. I don’t regret my decision at all. I am completely in love with this person I lost my virginity to. When it boils down to it, a wedding is just a ceremony. I’m sure all of the emotions and feelings you felt during and after your wedding were real (for you) but that doesn’t mean that abstinence works for everyone. Are you honestly only using one couple as an example as to why EVERYONE who has sex before marriage will be disappointed?
My best friend and his wife had sex before they were married. The even moved in together before the wedding, but their wedding was absolutely beautiful. It was small – close family and friends and wasn’t just “one big party.” They had an incredible honeymoon in Hawaii and are still deeply in love with each other. How dare you categorize every single person who has had sex before their wedding night as floozies and harlots? It’s incredibly disrespectful. I’m sorry you were judged and teased for your decision to remain abstinent, but what happened to turning the other cheek? Isn’t God the only one to judge? You are setting a really poor example for Christians.
I am in my second marriage and lived with my husband for six years before we were married in a very wonderful ceremony in our home with 60 or more people here to share our special day. And our day and night was just as special to us as yours was to you. I did not appreciate the name calling of women who had relations before marriage. That could have been left out of your otherwise beautiful article. I am so blessed to be worth the man I am with. . 9 years and counting! Peace and Gods Blessings!
Romans 7:2-3
The Bible says any remarriage except for when the spouse is dead is considered adultery.Praise Jesus for truth!
Romans 7:2-3
The Bible says any remarriage except for when the spouse is dead is considered adultery.Praise Jesus for truth!
Marriage God’s way is beautiful! When we listen to God and follow His perfect ways, we are blessed beyond measure…beyond our wildest dreams!!! So blessed to grow old with my best friend, William, who loves me like Christ, unconditionally.
As someone who kinda’ lived both worlds (raised with the courtship/wait until marriage to kiss and who ended up doing the traditional dating thing), I wish I hadn’t waited for marriage. I landed my Prince Charming (for lack of a better descriptor) and love my marriage, but waiting until the wedding night was not all it was cracked up to be. I wish I would have gotten a head start on all the sex stuff, no lie.
And this type of post is just another slap in the face to people like Anna Duggar who did everything “right” and still didn’t get their prosperity promise of a marriage. And I literally know about one hundred women like her.
Congratulations Steven! I am a real Christian and am so disappointed in so many “so-called” Christians who fornicate before the wedding ceremony. I am so glad to read this article and applaud you. I wish real Christians would get what you are saying here. I congratulate you again, and pray a lifetime of God’s blessing upon you both.
Kenneth, I am glad the only “real Christians” out there are perfect and have never had to bathe Jesus’ feet with their tears of sorrow. For the rest of us, we now understand Jesus’ Atonement in a way that “real Christians” may never truly grasp.
OUTSTANDING
After looking at your wife I am not sure how you did it but I am so happy for both of you that you did
ps…It must be a great feeling to married to the 2nd most beautiful woman in the world
pss..my wife and I have been married for 38 years so soon she will be most beautiful
Good for you, I’m glad you are happy with the decisions that you’ve made. My huge issues, as a Christian is that you are trying to do the Lord’s job. His job is to pass judgement, not yours.
Congrats! I’m sure your level of self-righteousness will give you a higher ranking in heaven
I feel very sad after reading this article. Your post did not glorify God. We’re all about Biblical marriage in our home. We are very open about our roles in marriage and others roll their eyes at me plenty. It’s not popular to tell others you are proud that your husband leads your home and submission is your goal… No it’s not popular at all. I cannot imagine my husband referring to women as harlots, promiscuous, or floozies. You don’t know what drives others to practice sexual immorality. Love them, help them get out of their sin. Don’t distance yourself further, point at them and call names. Your approach lacks maturity.
Thank you, Lani, for beautifully pointing out exactly what I feel. The only thing I feel after reading this article is hopeless – and that is what Satan wants us to feel, not the Savior.
I applaud your decisions before marriage and send u blessings and continued happiness ????❤️
You got lucky. I would be curious to read what your wife thinks. Perhaps you are just a regular man.
My husband and I waited, we love each other and were spiritually and emotionally linked in our church because we share those values.
Our sex life has gone from bad to worse though. It is never fulfilling or enjoyable and is a huge stumbling block to our happiness.
That being said we would not change out decision to wait. We know it was the right thing even though we were not rewarded for it.
Your post is judgemental and has not taken in different perspectives. People can be happy with or without sex in their lives.
Of course, those who wait until after marriage to have sex may find they are not sexually compatible with their partner and end up cheating or divorcing. There are no “shoulds” …
As someone who decided to not have sex until marriage, I can tell you this article makes me cringe. God still blesses a marriage even if the two people “did not wait” until their wedding night…my husband was not a virgin, yet our marriage is not cursed. Yes, it is God’s plan for sex only in marriage. However, God is full of mercy…maybe you should be, too. Instead of calling out people who “didn’t wait”, maybe you should pray for them and keep your judgements to yourself.
I agree that it is easy to miss the point of this article. Our emotions might be getting in the way . . .
The point is that consummation seals the marriage bond. Before the sacrament, there is no vow or bond to consummate. That is the point of waiting till marriage. It’s not just a party. It’s not just a piece of paper. It is a binding vow before God which you then consummate to become physically one, following the ceremony of becoming sacramentally one! It’s God’s plan for marriage and physical union. So Christians should be able to expect fellow Christians to try to follow His plan and encourage each one another in this challenge.
The account of the people they met at breakfast is simply a convenient illustration of a couple who seems to have missed the point! It is not intended to be an example of you or your brother or anyone and everyone who has not waited ’till marriage! But it is a scenario very prevalent in our society and I understand that the blissful writer does feel a little pity and wish the other couple had been able to challenge themselves and see how rewarding waiting turns out to be. The unfortunate name-calling is not the point of the article. But it does illustrate how it feels to be on “the other side” and be called unkind names and treated like a weirdo just for remaining virgins until marriage!
Considering that the writer and many others who have saved themselves for marriage have been treated like outcasts when they are found to be “waiting”; and considering that the whole waiting for marriage thing is typically very very difficult, I think he is perfectly justified in gloating and just being plain happy that he and his wife were able to meet this challenge, do it God’s way, and reap the benefits.
Where does God stand on slut shaming? Name calling? Judgement?
I was a slut who “shacked up” with her husband before she was married. My dad – a Christian – a PASTOR, proudly walked me down the aisle. Why? Because he loves me. Because I am not my sins. I am his daughter.
I had people pray over my marriage. Why? Because they love me. Because I am not my sins.
So you take your arrogance, your pride and pat yourself on the back. I sure hope your beautiful bride never falls short of what your warped brainwashed little mind thinks. You’re sad.
There is such thing as “too much love”: when you hesitate to speak in truth. Liberals are too busy trying to feel morally superior and separating sex from marriage with no regard for the aftermath which is conning our young people out of their livelihood. If that’s the legacy you want to leave behind, who is the sad one?
let the one who never derided nor disparaged a male virgin cast the first stone.
I find it hilarious that people take the time to comment on how judgemental the article is while themselves being judgemental.
good for you! my husband and I waited, except for some heavy petting, but it is not the waiting that I will give you kudos for, it is the next 40 years…I am so glad I never wanted children (a big no no according to gothardites and duggars!) but I would never want to put any children through what we had to go through. — poverty, starvation, joblessness, husband’s illness after illness after illness. Being rejected by the pastor because I rode my horse to church (she was our only transportation because we could not afford to get the car fixed or even get insurance.) My husband being judged and rejected by the church because he likes sci-fi and his wife (me) would not conform to womanly ” standards” i.e.–make-up, dresses, keeping house, children, etc. Two tornadoes in 3 years in the same house, pit bull gangs in the neighborhood killing our pets. But God does not make cookie cutter Christians. His plan for you will be much different than his plan for us and I am sure it will be much better than what we had to endure. We are both retired now, illness after illness with my husband still persists but with my art and horses, it helps me get through it.
Dude, seriously? Kudos on waiting. I agree with you about chastity until the wedding night, and I practiced the same thing. But this post is ridiculous.
I’m not sure where exactly you got the idea that being mocked and shamed by the world means that we get to dish it back at them the same way as soon as we have the opportunity. Your tone here is far more likely to push someone away from faith than to draw them to it.
Moreover, you’re perpetuating the myth that the decision to wait guarantees amazing wedding-night sex. That’s simply not always the case. When you lose your virginity on your wedding night, it is likely to be memorable and wonderful…the height of vulnerability and tenderness, as God intended it to be. It may also be awkward, messy, and possibly funny. Figuring it out together is part of the beauty of it. Nowhere are we promised first-night fireworks.
Most of all, though, you have not only climbed up on a moral pedestal, you’re TAUNTING people from up there. Your celebration of a beautiful event has escalated into the equivalent of some serious trash-talking. When Jesus, who had actual claim to the pedestal you’re beating your chest on, talked to a woman caught in the act of adultery, He treated her with kindness and dignity. You, on the other hand, have been calling her names.
I hope this mess is the result of some youthful over-zealousness, or perhaps the fact that sex seems to prevent men from thinking straight.
Ruthgirl, I couldn’t agree with you more. Although his intention was admirable, his delivery was all wrong… As a Christian, I would be ashamed for my non-Christian friends to read this piece. He is cyber-bullying men and women who have made past mistakes and has missed the entire point of Christianity.
My respect and admiration for all things Louder !!! Good for y’all.
What a testimony and I want you to know how proud I am of both of you. Congratulations on your marriage! I was married to the man I met at 14 years old for 31 years when he walked out on me. All of those years I wished I had “waited” and did it the “right way”, the way God had intended. After my divorce I met a man, fell madly in love and moved in with him, again feeling guilty and ashamed of going against what I knew was right. I left that relationship. Then I met Kevin, a Godly and true gentleman. He himself just recently divorced after a 25 year marriage and his wife walking away from him. Both of us lonely, scared and wanting real love. We became engaged two months after meeting and made the mistake of involving sex in our relationship. Not even a month after getting engaged we put a complete stop to anything sexual between us. We needed to focus on us, our relationship and a marriage that was healthy and for the right reasons. We needed to make God number one in our relationship and build a foundation built on His love and wishes. I have to admit being 50 years old, being in love and needing to feel that intimacy that I longed for in my first marriage was very difficult. But we repented our sins, we asked God for forgiveness and asked for strength to honor Him. We were married in September, 11 months after becoming engaged and we are so proud and glad that we took all the sexual intimacy out of our relationship as the guilt would have eaten both of us up. We made the mistake, we can’t take back what we did but we can be thankful that we corrected it and followed through with our commitment to honor God from that moment. It changed our journey, it changed how we looked at each other, it gave respect a while new definition for me forwards my future husband. Our wedding night was like the “first” time. It was beautiful and it was us being “one” just as our vows reflected as well. I will always be proud of both of us for withholding a sexual relationship prior to our marriage. People laughed at us, thought we were rediculous and they just flat out didn’t understand. But God did understand and we knew the blessing God would bestow upon us for honoring Him. We now have an amazing relationship built first on God, but also with emense communication, love and a level of respect that can’t be gained any other way. Even at my age it made a difference in my life and my marriage and now I can live knowing I finally did do it the “right” way and God has blessed me and my marriage that will never end till death do us part. I challenge anyone to stay true to Gods word and uphold their values. We accepted the challenge and hope you do to. It is so worth it!
Unless your previous spouses are deceased you are living in adultery according to Romans 7:2-3.Please read the following Scriptures and flee sexual immorality!
Mark 10:11-12
Luke 16:18
Praise Jesus for truth!
Have to say, if this felt “cruel” and “judgemental” you might be nursing a guilty conscience? It’s a description of a dude’s experience.
No it’s judgemental because the author declared it to be so himself. “Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.”
^See?
The author needs to read and pray over James 4:12 and Matthew 6:5.
As a Christian, I strongly agree with waiting for sexual relations until marriage and admire your determination to follow God. With that being said, this article appalls me. It has the most judgmental, self-righteous, demeaning, patronizing tone of anything I have read in a long time. This disappoints me. I think Christians should behave better than this. You completely disregard the redeeming aspect of Christianity – and of humanity at large – and provide a sense of hopelessness to those who have made poor choices as “the floozies they ultimately were.” Since you are so great at giving helpful criticism to others, perhaps I should encourage you to do less writing and do more reading in John 8:1-11.
Congratulations on your marriage!
I just wanted to comment on this article because it seems to lump people into 2 distinct categories: people who save sex for marriage (the right choice) and people who don’t (the wrong choice). If there’s anything I’ve learned in life so far, it’s that the world is not black and white. There are a multitude of reasons why people do the things they do. My husband and I had sex way before our marriage and I can assure you that our morning after (and days, weeks following) had a very similar emotional intensity that you describe here. We felt like our lives had changed for the better and we were and are excited about the future. We are still considered newlyweds (about to celebrate our 1 year!) and are more in love with one another than ever before. I can assure you that sexual intimacy with my husband before marriage always felt like the right decision for us but what ensured this wonderful relationship we have now has much more to do than waiting or not waiting to have sex. Being in love and connected with that one person involves so many variables that when we find someone who feels “right” we feel blessed and amazed to be experiencing it. So, though I respect and understand why you felt it was important to do marriage “the right way” – ultimately, it was “right” for you and your wife. We are all different and all unique. That’s what makes the world go round.
I agree with Ruthgirl. Even as a Christian, I was rebuffed by the tone and argumentative stance the author took, which doesn’t attract any person to the faith. We are to encourage one another with our obedience to the Lord. Maybe if there was more commentary about HOW you go to the alter without sexual sin, that would be a more constructive article.
And as someone who got married at a Very young age, it is always best to get 10 years under your belt, before spouting out that you have “made it” into a good marriage. My dear friend you have simply started the process. I would love to see the article 5 years from now when your bride has less of a glitter about her, and you are now faced with a new woman. Time will change both people, and it is the grace, love, and wisdom of God that will keep you together in full worship of Him. Never forget that marriage is not about two people together, but about resenting the perfect love of God, on earth.
Which I do really want to say, I agree 100% that waiting till marriage is a perfectly acceptable goal and position to devote your relationship to. But don’t lose sight of humility at the same time. Counsel from love, not pride.
For anyone equating God’s love with wholesale acceptance of breaking His Laws, you don’t understand his doctrine and you don’t understand the AMAZING tool repentance is! His love and grace are always constant, but he will NEVER condone willfully disobedience. Which to a degree is the key; the other couple may not understand the laws they were breaking and are therefore not accountable. Mr. Crowder however is accountable because he knows the law. As far as his judgment goes, not necessary and frankly not Christ-like. But if others judged them harshly they are just receiving that judgment in return. What goes around comes around. THAT is an immutable law and sometimes it hurts!
Printed and saved to share with my daughter (12) someday. Thanks.
Good on you, brother! I think that when men wait until marriage it makes the relationship a place of emotional security. I think it helps your partner realize that you have intended all along to improve their life and not take advantage of what you can get out of them.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It has encouraged and strengthened me. 🙂
Marriage is in the near future for me and my guy, and from the get go we wanted it to be the way that was honoring to God and each other. Both being born in Christians homes, we’ve had those values instilled in us from a young age which has helped us through the initial stages of relationships when intimacy physically starts becoming a very present reality.
We both have felt and still feel very bombarded by media and culture to let our sex drives rule our life and do what we like, instead of following the way of the Lord.
Everything is so saturated with promiscuity and straight out sex everywhere that it becomes hard to stay on the straight and narrow.
It’s people like you Steven that are very important and crucial in challenging and putting the record straight and showing the light, the truth of what is meant to be.
Keep up the great work!!
LOVE, love, LOVE this. THANK YOU for being honest and open.
If more marriages would start out this way, the world would be a better place!
This is a horrible article, and not because I think it’s incorrect. Waiting is the right thing to do. Where this article falls short is it falls into the same trap that anti-celibacy group falls into. That is that marital inimacy should be just that, intimate. It’s not a topic for public discussion. What goes on in a bedroom is between husband and wife and for the sake of a healthy relationship should remain only between them. Your intimate relationship (whether having sex or avoiding sex) is not the topic of public conversation. People who mock you only do so because you’re appearantly talking about your personal sex life (or lack thereof). If someone asks about your sex life the only appropriate answer is “that’s none of your business, iit’s part of the intimacy we share). You shouldn’t know theirs and they shouldn’t know yours. Intimacy needs to be intimate. Teach the law of Chastity. Live it. People may make assumptions, but do you really want to spend your time with people who are making assumpations about your sex life all the time? I don’t.
Your intimate relationship (whether having sex or avoiding sex) is not the topic of public conversation. People who mock you only do so because you’re appearantly talking about your personal sex life (or lack thereof).
So much this.
Crowder wants us to think that people are mocking him for promoting celibacy because that’s the story he wants to tell, of a Christian supposedly being persecuted for his Christian beliefs. When the far more likely scenario is that he’s rubbing people the wrong by being a judgmental, self-promoting jerk.
Thanks for sharing this, so glad to know there are people still committed to do things according to God’s plan! My wife and I experienced the same joy on our wedding day and night 25 years ago as you and your bride! We were a mid 20 year old couple in the late 80’s, so you know that culture war. Sex is God’s give to a couple and it’s not meant to be opened early. But when the wedding has occurred, open that gift, use if often and as many ways as you both want. By staying close physically, you stay close mentally and spiritually!!! God Bless!!
Dear Steven, I ask that you and your lovely wife please accept my heartfelt congratulations. I am not here to pick apart your decision, discuss “God’s plan” for you, or to warn you about breaking God’s laws (while betrothal was a custom referenced in the Bible, there is no evidence that betrothal was required in the Law, that I can remember). I am very happy for you. Although I am single (and as I am 63, I am likely to remain that way), I certainly remember my own parents’ marriage (not the event–I was not even a glimmer in my father’s eye at the time–but the life-long relationship). And through all their ups and downs, they remained devoted to one another until death. May you and your wife enjoy that love and devotion throughout your lives together. Be truly happy!
I wonder if you would have gloated over the couple sitting next to you if it had been their second marriage (for the lack of virgin sex)? Maybe the foundation of your marriage is not as solid as you may think, if you define the strength and quality of a marriage by the timing of sexual intercourse. If only things were that simple! Your juvenile idiocy and naivety are showing.
My son and his wife did the same thing. Their friends pressured them to give up and cave in, even in my presence. I made the comment, you’re almost there. You can make it. His beautiful bride agreed. The priest made a very big deal out of it during the ceremony. He said it was the first time in 12 years that he married a couple that both parties stayed pure.
Our wedding was centered around celebrating our love and lives and celebrating the love and lives of everybody who joined our wedding day. It was not centered around celebrating we could finally have sex….our wedding was not muddled by our desire to have sex…Sex was not an issue during our wedding day, wedding night or whatsoever. Although I respect my fellow christians to wait untill marriage (I don’t care), this article looks a little pathetic and sex-centered to me…And that’s the problem with a lot of my fellow christians. It’s all so much about “not having sex”, that sex has the same central and overrated role in those relationships as in anybody else’s who made the (even so “right”) decision to have it before the wedding day. It’s not about before the wedding day or after, it’s about having sex with a person who loves and respects you and who is loyal to you. And indeed, the article is very much judgemental…Hate it…
Well done, you! I know too many couples who lived together for years or decades before finally getting married. They were disappointed to the point of divorcing within a short time. Living together before marriage is not like test-driving a car. You behave differently while you are cohabitating, and that ends once the rings are on your fingers. So, either live together for the long haul, or date the old-fashioned way and then marry. Living together and then marrying is the quickest way to take the bloom off of the rose. Her r endeth the lesson.
You are awesome for waiting but suck for judging. Enjoy your life. I’ve been married over 16 years and only been with my husband but did lose it to him prior to marriage. FYI you can be redeemed, enjoy, and have a lovely hot sex life if you make good choices.
I have to say that this article has been a real encouragement as a young Christian. I am only 20 years old and all of my friends have fornicated and the pressure is on me. Kudos for holding out and you must be thanking God that your wife did the same (due to the fact that girls are as horny as boys but just hide it better and to marry a female virgin is extremely rare). Good luck on your marriage and God bless!
What an asshole.
Were you in that other couple’s bedroom that night? Did you know about their sexual history before their wedding night? Way to judge.
There’s no “right” way to do your wedding. Good for you for waiting, but don’t be a holier than thou asshole about your magical wedding.
I’m ashamed that you called yourself a Christian while you were so judgemental over another couples wedding. Was Jesus ever mentioned in your conversation with the other couple. You really missed an opportunity to spread His love and word to another couple, or at least the wife.
So you did the sex part right. Did you do the rest right. I heard you say that you was on a plane on your way to a tropical paradise, but what about surrendering your wealth to the poor and receiving your rewards in heaven?
Please, if you’re a Christian, act like one. Love, give, forgive, and spread His word. Don’t cast the first stone, whether it’s literally or figuratively.
This is literally the most ignorant thing I’ve ever read. I myself am a Christian. My husband is a Christian. And we, as a family, believe in grace and boasting not in ourselves but in Christ. Whether you had sex before marriage or not, whether you had an amazing wedding night or not, CHRIST should be the center, not you. And the fact that you’re boasting in your achievements, judging those they don’t know Christ, and as a result talking down to anyone who reads this article is actually heartbreaking to me.