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November 22, 2022
There is a vegan hotline for people triggered by Thanksgiving because being vegan isn't embarrassing enough
For Thanksgiving this year, in between sips of bourbon and Buffalo Bills touchdowns, I will be smoking the Thanksgiving Tri-Tip along with smoking my Mesquittewood Mac. It boasts seven different cheeses! Everything comes from a cow in one form or the other. Why? Because meat and cheese are delicious. Other people choose to be miserable and shun animal-based deliciousness for whatever reason they are signaling their virtue for that week. They are called vegans.
Because being around meat can be triggering for vegans, and because vegans don't give us enough to laugh at them over, there is now a Thanksgiving Emotional Support Hotline. I swear I got this from Not the Bee and not their brother site.
OMG! #Vegans, did U hear we have our own support hotline to survive #Thanksgiving? TY, @oatly!
I called + it's legit. And yeah, I might have pressed 3 to scream ... b/c I get depressed that >45 million turkeys are killed. Who even likes turkey anyway?https://t.co/aj2FP8m7XJ
— Karen Asp 🌱🐾✍️👟 (@karenaspwriter) November 21, 2022
No truth to the rumor that the phone number is 1-800-H8T-MEAT. But should you find yourself surrounded by people who have a different opinion than you and are unable to "deal," the Vegan Emotional Support Hotline has got you covered.
Press 1 for "personal affirmations to help emotionally navigate a traditional meat- and dairy-heavy Thanksgiving dinner." Also to remind you that, contrary to what your cousin Chad says, you are not a soyboy.
Press 2 for "useful stats and talking points" about veganism and climate. Because the best way to prevent the trauma of Thanksgiving dinner is to ensure you are never invited back.
Press 3 to scream into the phone. Yes, you need to dial a number and press option 3 to scream. As opposed to, you know, just screaming.
And pressing 4 gives you a motivational speech inspired by the movie Rudy, the most overrated sports movie ever.
There's also an option for tips on "weaving the benefits of plant-based eating into conversation." That goes back to making sure you never get invited back.
Or, and this is an option, you can exercise self-control over your fee-fees and choose not to be lame during Thanksgiving.
I'll let you in on a little secret. Most of us normie carnivores don't give a bug burger that you are vegan and choose to deprive yourself of happiness. You do you. It's when you refuse to shut up about it and make our lives miserable that we decide we don't want you around.
You can eat your bug-based soy. I'll eat my cow-based steak. Happy Thanksgiving!
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