Both Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer define modern third-wave feminism. But you probably already know that, unless you’ve been living under a rock. Or if you were sat on by Tess Holliday. After your trip to the ER, seek psychiatric help. I’m not sure you can come back from that. Because when receiving the full, heavy blast of angry, fat feminists (of the ugly variety), one is faced with a black hole of crap. Don’t believe me? Ask Odell Beckham Jr. Or the entire Met Gala:

“You and I were literally sitting across from each other at the Met Ball, and it was like a crazy countdown to when we could escape. You were like, ‘We’re honored to be here. We’re honored to be here,’” Dunham told Schumer in the published conversation.

Yes, these pull quotes are courtesy of Page Six. Otherwise I would have to give Lena Dunham’s Lenny Letter my email address.

So okay, firstly? I understand wanting to escape a party. It’s usually why I never go to them in the first place, knowing I’ll want to run screaming later. That’s not the issue here…

“I was sitting next to Odell Beckham Jr., and it was so amazing because it was like he looked at me and he determined I was not the shape of a woman by his standards,” she said. “He was like, ‘That’s a marshmallow. That’s a child. That’s a dog.’ It wasn’t mean — he just seemed confused.”

Ugly is as ugly does…

This is Lena speaking. You can tell by how many “likes” she uses without being ironic. Also the dog reference. To be fair, though, dogs? Way cuter than Lena Dunham. People actually like dogs. If you were at a Met Gala and a dog sat next to you, you wouldn’t want to escape the party. Just saying. Next time Lena? Walrus. Compare yourself to a walrus, not a beloved pet people choose to have in their lives. M’kay?

“The vibe was very much like, ‘Do I want to f— it? Is it wearing a … yep, it’s wearing a tuxedo. I’m going to go back to my cell phone.’ It was like we were forced to be together, and he literally was scrolling Instagram rather than have to look at a woman in a bow tie. I was like, ‘This should be called the Metropolitan Museum of Getting Rejected by Athletes.’”

Think back, dear readers. When was the last time you watched the ESPYs (if you watch the ESPYs) and you saw an athlete walking the red carpet with a woman, who describes herself as a marshmallow, wearing a tuxedo.

Third-wave SJW feminism in the flabby flesh.

Now, you ladies who are not third-wave SJW feminists. If you want to be attractive to a man, do you wear a tuxedo? Do you resemble a tusked aquatic mammal? Methinks no. In fact if I had to put a bet on it, if you wanted to be attractive, you’d wear a dress. Wash your hair. Smile. Ask him questions. Be generally pleasant. Polite even. Charming. Perhaps even you flip your hair. You saucy thing you.

The third-wave SJW feminists would call you a sell out. How dare you betray the Ya-Ya-Sisterhood of the Traveling Tuxedo Pants by holding fast to the traditional standards of feminine beauty.

But that’s exactly what Dunham did here. She deliberately made herself as ugly as possible, then had the balls to malign Odell Beckham Jr. because he didn’t find her attractive. No one would find her attractive. She made it that way on purpose. Didn’t matter. He was a pig for not finding a walrus appealing. Feminism.

Ask me again why I despise third-wave, SJW feminists. It’s clear Lena Dunham might actually be aware of her gelatinous vestige. Yet she still blames a man for not finding that oozing gross attractive (read Dear Ugly, Fat Feminists: Admit it, You HATE That Men Don’t Find you Attractive).

Marshmallows deserve roasting.

Welcome to the “Redefining Beauty” campaign. It comes in a tuxedo, it puts you in a lose-lose scenario. Who loses? Men, all men, and attractive women. Especially attractive women. Well, and anyone who had the bout of temporary insanity to believe inviting Dunham to anything with “gala” in the title was a swell idea. Molesters Anonymous, however…

Pro-tip to both Dunham and Schumer: If you don’t want to dress up like ladies, or even ACT like ladies, don’t attend a gala. Try being gal pals at an aquarium. Or the zoo. Maybe go on a camp out, have S’mores. Dunham can bring the marshmallows.

As for Amy, we have a video for her…

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