Are you a parent? Are you specifically a parent who keeps your children apprised on foreign affairs during bath time? Of course you are. What responsible parent doesn't tell their children about foreign baddies while lathering up the No-Tears baby shampoo? A crap one, that's who. Well, the Easter Bunny came early for you in the form of Time for Kids. They have a handy-dandy guide about how to discuss the recent demise of Qasem Soleimani. The guide is actually a basket of little chocolate-covered poop pellets of half-truths and obvious omissions, but you know. Listicles are just so hot right now.

Unfortunately, the guide missed a few points in its underhanded attempt to paint Donald Trump as Yosemite Sam. So allow me to help out with a few little truth gems to shine this baby up. Just in case you actually do want to discuss the quick dispatching of a terrorist baddie to little Skylar and Braden before turning on Sponge Bob.

As is typical for this kind of rebuttal, I'm only pulling a few funny points from the full article. The reasons for this are two-fold:

• Time constraints
• Preventing you from finding the nearest sharp object on which to slam your cranium

You are so welcome.

First point: Trust your instincts we give you

Trust your instincts. You know your kids best. Use that knowledge to gauge the depth and breadth of your discussion. Sometimes, it’s best to let a child take the lead and only answer the questions that are asked. Often, brief and simple answers can satisfy a child’s curiosity.

This is the tone of the entire leftist media regards your children. They say you know best, but you need them to know what's best. Why else write up a guide on how to talk about foreign affairs to children who haven't yet grasped coloring between the lines. See, you need to trust your instincts, sure, but then Time tells you that letting a child take the lead on questions is best. But you do you, right? Thanks, Time.

Second point: Because Trump said it and he's a stupid face

President Donald Trump has called Soleimani a terrorist. Trump says Soleimani ordered attacks on American military and diplomats and was planning attacks against Americans in the Middle East. For this reason, Trump ordered the U.S. military to kill Soleimani. The drone attack took place at an airport in Baghdad, in Iraq. An Iraqi leader was also killed.

Who else is reminded of Simon Says? It wasn't that Soleimani was a terrorist because he did the terror. No, no, he's a terrorist because Trump said he was. It's not that Soleimani ordered attacks on Americans. No, no, Trump said Soleimani ordered attacks. Well here's my question, who told Trump about Soleimani? I have a feeling some people in the know sat Trump down for a little pow-wow, maybe over some ice cream or ketchup doused steak, to give him the skinny on the Middle Eastern meanie. No, that's not a real rhyme, it's a slant rhyme. That's English lingo for cheating. Regardless of how he learned about Soleimani, I'm sure Trump was told by someone not the New York Times crossword puzzle.

Third point: Iran is having a case of the sadz because Trump killed their friend, but then they're going to do something to somebody so we should all run under our beds

Iran has called for three days of national mourning. Thousands of people gathered in the streets of Iran’s capital, Tehran, to protest Soleimani’s killing. Funeral services were held in Iran on Sunday and Monday. Iranian leaders say they will take action against the U.S. At this time, however, it is unclear how or when they will do so. Still, some kind of action is expected.

What child asks about how Iran is handling the death of a terrorist who was one of their own? That's my main question. I remember being a child. I don't remember giving two cow boofs about some old guys doing things over there. The only way I would be scared was if I was told to be scared by some old guys on television telling me I should be scared. Or my parents saying the same thing.

Which brings me to an important point: if your children are scared about Soleimani, turn off the news and stop talking about it. That's your first step.

Your second step is telling them the truth, which this Time article does not. The Time article casually brushes over how Obama paid Iran off with pallets of cash, skipping right to Trump telling Iran they can't have nukes. The article also touches on how Iran seized the US Embassy a few decades ago, failing to mention how Iran gave up the Embassy hostages once Reagan took office. That all matters because, and this is very important, what Trump did to Soleimani has almost nothing to do with foreign policy.

Let me make it simple for Time and your curious babes asking questions young children shouldn't be asking. Soleimani died because he bullied the wrong country. Heck, let's make it even simpler. Soleimani started the fight, Trump ended it.

We could go into the minutia of Middle Eastern relations till the world finally succumbs to twelve needles years of cow boofs. But why? To me, this case is more about human behavior and how to respond to someone who's not just threatening you, but responding to someone who's hurt you. Soleimani attacked us and Trump, using the American military, ensured Soleimani couldn't hurt us again. Ever. Trump's response was necessary, to show not just the rest of Iran but the rest of the world that if you're going to attack the United States then the United States will f*ck you up. When talking to your kids, don't use f*ck. Use "poop."

That's what you tell your kids. Why did Trump kill Soleimani? So that Soleimani wouldn't and couldn't kill more Americans, and to scare the living sh*t out of anyone who had similar ideas. When talking to your kids, don't use sh*t. Use "doodie."

But thanks, Time. If for nothing else, for this closing phrase about feelings which I'm totally going to needle point and hang somewhere:

Act. Keep routines going—homework, bedtime rituals, and so on—because they’re reassuring and distracting. “It is a good time to have them do kind things for others,” says Coleman.

Feel feelings. “Let them know their feelings make sense,” says Coleman. Let them talk it out and show that you understand.

Trump did the same. He let Soleimani feel his feelings. Of charred flesh. When talking to your kids, don't mention the charred flesh. Say "boo-boo."

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