We thought that last night was a pretty good debate. The candidates actually talked about policy and most – though not all – provided actual answers for how they would handle specific problems facing America today. For others… well, not so much.
Before we go any further, let me just say this. If you can’t take a joke, or any type of commentary/criticism of your candidate, you should stop reading right now. Okay? Okay.
How did each candidate do? If you don’t have cable-news, what is it exactly that you need to know? Well, good thing we’ve got you covered like a jimmy-hat.
Jeb Bush – “APOLOGIZE TO MY WIFE, you racist!” We actually found that moment in the debate rather amusing. Though it was a total fail. Remember when Jeb was the front-runner? Yeah, doesn’t seem like that’s working out. Swing and a miss.
Ben Carson – I like Carson. A smart guy. But sometimes I thought that my internet’d slowed down. Turns out, it was just Ben Carson. He’s smart, no doubt. But he’s certainly not quick. His positivity was infectious at times, but it felt like a struggle to reach the end of those sentences. Also, mad props to the Gomez Adams smoking jacket.
Rand Paul – Uber respect for the man’s love for the Constitution. But does the man know what a comb is? He kept trying to claw his way in, but just seemed like he couldn’t make it through.
Scott Walker – Dear America, why’d you forget about me? I’m a pretty cool guy and I can turn this country around. Walker actually had a good showing in the short time allotted to him. But he didn’t do enough to stand out. And he looked like a clay-may character who belonged on the “Island of Misfit Toys.” Expect his VP pick to be Hermie the elf.
Mike Huckabee – Not bad. But the governor couldn’t exude Southern Baptist anymore if he tried. Possibly the only thing he’s better at? Channeling Newt Gingrich.
Marco Rubio – A rising star who’s light is trumped by, well, you know. Rubio brought his own water to the event (no one laughed at the obvious joke), but when it came time to talk foreign policy? Break out the notepad other guys, you’re about to get schooled.
Ted Cruz – I’m a lawyer. I’m a Senator. And I’m from Texas. Now I like Cruz a lot. But I’ve also been slammed as a “RINO” when I’ve said for years that his electability leaves a lot to be desired. Even though he’s probably the smartest guy in the room, he came across too robotic, pre-fab and politician-y. Stop counting your chickens before they hatch…
John Kasich – By the third hour of the debate, you’d finally Google’d him to find out who he was, didn’t you? Poor man spent most of his evening asking, “Can I say some—-“ and then he never did. He never did.
Chris Christie – Why do you keep saying I was a Governor? I was a US Attorney and I know all about all the Attorney things there are to know! Also, is it okay if I lean on this podium? Do you know how long it can hold me? Sorry, low hanging fruit. I know.
Carly Fiorina – Pretty much everyone agrees, this was her night. This lady lowered the BOOM at this GOP Debate. America, Carly wanted you to know she’s for real. She did it. Even though she was a woman, she had the biggest pair on the stage. Would like to see some more levity from her next time though, cuz she came off downright scary sometimes.
Donald Trump – The only guy to actually use the word “brag” the entire night. And he did so several times. Trump was Trump. For the first time, he faded away, and he almost, maybe, kind of, borderline apologized to Fiorina. His fans won’t care, but it was pretty obvious that when it came to giving specifics, he’d been dragged into deep waters.