On June 7th, 1789, the night before James Madison proposed The Bill of Rights to the House of Representatives, he sat down to pen the first draft of the first amendment. The following is what many scholars believe to be the original and unedited version of that amendment.

The First Amendment guarantees freedoms concerning religion, expression, assembly, and the right to petition.   It guarantees freedom of expression by prohibiting Congress from restricting the press or the rights of individuals to speak freely.

Unless like… people say something that you really disagree with.  Then the whole thing is off. For reasons that are self-explanatory.

Like if someone says something that’s really unpopular, or super offensive, then a mandated “safe space” where said people are banned is obviously necessary. Because some people can really be turd-nuggets.

Also, I think it’s like, super important to carve out a section here for “hate speech” which of course shouldn’t be allowed. But I’ve only got so much space on this parchment, so I’ll leave it up to you to define it.

But I can say that it pretty much only apply to straight, white men. You’ve totally got to check that privilege, yo.

Also, I want to take this opportunity to specifically address freedom of speech toward feminists. Ladies, consider yourselves exempt. For reasons that are self-explanatory.

Naturally, the same goes for college students. Which brings me to my next point.

Is freedom of speech allowed on campus? Specifically public universities.

This is a gray area but the general rule of thumb here is, go with your gut instinct. I could write this more specifically but I trust you can handle it. You’ve reached the world of higher learning afterall.

As for the freedom of the press, obviously that comes with some caveats. Firstly, like my next amendment and muskets, this one only applies to quill and parchment. I’m not too worried as I’m pretty sure this is our set information-delivery method from here on out. What else could there be, going back to carrier pigeons?

Get outta here.

I think it goes without saying that the press can’t be allowed to marginalize minorities. Now, this is somewhere I want to be crystal clear.

By marginalize, I mean saying anything that could be deemed offensive

And by minorities, I mean whatever group is really mad that day.

Example: Maybe there’s like, a guy, who wants to be a chick.

But he still has a John Thomas.

So members of the press are all like “Hey, but you were a guy yesterday, and we can still see your penis through your knickers.”

Totally unacceptable. For reasons that are self-explanatory

Also, make sure that the citizens exercising free speech on campus are diversely represented through the prescribed minority quotas. I’ll include the specific numbers in another document. Somewhere…

TRIGGER WARNING

None of these quotas apply to those damn Orientals. For reasons that are self-explanatory.