Have you ever wanted to smell like feminism? The memorable scent is a cross between never washed yoga pants, spilled Halo Top ice cream and failure. Oh, if you're not sure what failure smells like, sniff your unscented pits. Multiply it times a self-pity march with hundreds of land-dwelling swamp manatees.

Move over, Chanel. A new perfume inspired by the Women's March (see The Organizer of the Next Women’s March? She’s a Convicted Terrorist and Ashley Judd Embarrasses Herself, Recites Insane Poem at Women’s March…) may be making its way to a Neiman Marcus near you.

A perfume, named "Pussy."

The scent of a woman will be pussy if a budding entrepreneur can nail down a trademark for her new line of fragrances inspired by the enduring symbol of the Women's March ... the pussyhat.

Fran Moss filed docs with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office in hopes of flooding the market with fragrance-emitting wicks, sachets, pet sprays, body sprays and perfumes -- all with the pussy label.

According to the docs, Fran's toying with product names like pussy juice, pussy power, pussy now, and pussy positive. She also wants her trademark to include the "pussy power color" pink, and the pussyhat ears.

"Pussy positive?" Pussy, and I quote, "power color?"

I had to triple check to ensure this was an article from TMZ, not the Babylon Bee. Or the collective nightmares of women who shave their legs. And on occasion, comb their hair. #ThatPamperedLife

I'm torn here. On one hand, I'm an unabashed capitalist. To that I say, "Girl, go make that paper."

The other hand, I have the mentality of a 12-year-old. Why, I've had to wipe my monitor three times, cleaning it of the coffee-infused spittle. As I sprayed it with the involuntary need to LOL. You're telling me you want to sell a perfume...called "Pussy." Not just a perfume. No, no, you're going all in on the pussy brigade. Nothing but a whole line of fragrances will do. You're expecting women, who care about their own scents, to pick up a bottle labeled "Pussy." You're expecting them to put the pussy lotion on its skin.

Also, I'm sorry...but pet sprays? If you spray your dog with your pussy (spray) does Fido start self-identifying as Whiskers? What about his right to choose? Since when are pets mere instruments in the delusions of feminist mire hogs? Must members of the great animal kingdom be sucked into the pit of odious women?

These are the questions which will have me staring at my ceiling all weekend. Wide-eyed wondering, too fearful to sleep. Lest Pennywise haunts my nightmares, scented with the body-spray of Pussy.

My God.

Lastly, ten points to anyone who was reminded of this:

Though, when Ms. Moss starts mass producing her Pussy, I think we have a good spokesperson for her.

~Co-written by John Porter and Courtney Kirchoff (she had to add a few pot shots)

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