With just days left, there’s still time to get in the dumbest “think” peace of 2016. I give Elle credit for the attempt with I’m Terrified of Raising a Boy in Trump’s America. Pro-feminist? Check. Anti-Trump? Check. Thoroughly inane from start to finish? Double-triple check.
Ladies, gentlemen and non-binary gender things, we have a new contender for year’s stupidest essay. Let’s jump right into the cray cray…
I’d been sure I’d be raising a small woman during a new age of feminism, one where we didn’t even need to call it feminism anymore, one where it was normal for a woman to be the leader of the free world. But that was no longer the case.
Right off, this woman Jo Piazza, is upset she doesn’t have a daughter. You know how most mothers just want their children to be born healthy? This glowing jewel wanted her child to be born female. Isn’t that a bit sexist? Also exclusionary to the non-binary gender queers? Both resounding yeses. But hey, if you have your heart set on a daughter instead of one of those filthy, icky, patriarch-favored dudelets, who am I to judge?
Oh, spoiler warning: lots of judgement.
And I was no longer even certain we were having a girl. What if we had a boy? Was there a little penis inside me? It was a 50-50 chance. So many of the other things I thought were true had turned out wrong this year. Why should I trust my hunches? The thought of having a boy terrified me, paralyzed me even.
For the record, if you’re a pregnant woman and you’re “terrified” of having, or disappointed in having, any gender of baby, I harbor nothing but judgemental hostility toward you. And you know what… I’m changing tacks here. I think I need to address this “mother” directly. I’m feeling super triggered right now. I think it’s when she typed, without satire, “a penis inside me” as if carrying a boy rather than a girl is equatable to rape.
Jo Piazza, you’re an abysmal excuse for a mother. Poor you, you’re not having the gender baby of your choice. You shallow, selfish, hedonistic phlegm receptacle. And here the great travesty of your life is having a boy in Trump’s America. I’ll get to how your son, who didn’t get to chose his mother anymore than you got to chose his gender, is the real victim here.
Just last week, after handing over what felt like a gallon of blood and waiting an excruciating nine days to hear the results of genetics and gender tests, my husband and I learned we will be the parents of a boy.
A gallon of blood. Hyperbole thy name is you, lady. Excruciating NINE DAYS to learn your healthy child has a penis instead of a va-jay-jay. My God, woman, how DO you go on? Nine days. Thats like… a week plus two days. Depending on when those nine days start, there may even be TWO weekends in there. Where you, like, have to occupy your time not working. All that time to just THINK and WORRY about having a boy instead of a girl. I’m sure soldiers who stormed Normandy had similar thoughts in their nine minutes before being blown up.
It’s not the stereotypical boy things that worry me. I can throw a football and a punch. I’m happy to teach him that there is an acceptable time to pee outside and a time when doing this will get him arrested…
I had to break up the paragraph, can’t let this statement go by. He’s a human child, not a Golden Retriever. You teach children to use a toilet. They’re generally white and made of porcelain, most frequently spotted in “bathrooms.” In the UK, these rooms are often referred to as just “the toilets” sometimes “the loos.” What you should be teaching your son, who is not a leg-lifting canine, is to raise and lower the toilet lid. Not when and when not to scratch at the door to wee on the bushes.
…What terrifies me is the idea of raising a boy with good values when a man who represents the male stereotypes we’ve been fighting for generations is in the White House. A man who bullies both men and women in person and on Twitter. This man could dominate our news cycle for the next eight years. I can’t hide his bad behavior from our son.
You just said you were concerned about teaching your boy when to pee OUTSIDE like he’s a rescue shelter dog that was never house broken. And you’re worried that TRUMP is going to teach him bad behavior? You just said not five paragraphs up, you would’ve preferred a daughter. And you’re worried TRUMP is going to negatively influence him?
Imma need you to look up some phrases, Jo. “Self-awareness,” to start. Then maybe “Insane asylum.” Maybe Google to see if you can find an infographic which illustrates the differences between human boys and puppies.
That the president thinks Time magazine changed its annual accolade to “Person of the Year” instead of “Man of the Year” just because it’s more politically correct? How do I explain that grabbing a woman by her genitals is not an acceptable salutation when the man in charge of the country normalized it?
Okay. I’m not sure how Time Magazine matters at all in your little mental breakdown. That’s what we call “going off on a tangent,” or “into the weeds.” Regardless, we actually already addressed the Time Magazine issue. Is what Trump said disgusting? Yes. Do I condone it? No. But Trump didn’t normalize “grab her by the pussy,” anymore than Bill Clinton normalized raping women. Or Hillary Clinton normalized setting up illegal email servers in bathrooms. Or leaving four men (what we call boys who reach adulthood) to die in Benghazi, then later blaming it on a video.
Look, sweet cheeks, the election is over. We covered all the ways your gal pal Hillary is our modern day equivalent of the Chupacabra who feeds on roadkill. I’m not going to rehash here just because you’re a sexist idiot who’s going to make a terrible mother. Hopefully I’m wrong there, but so far… terrible mother.
Told you they’d be judgement.
Whoever is president shouldn’t influence how you raise YOUR SON. See, most mothers and fathers talk about how they want to rear their children. Many of them decide to teach them some kind of value system. Basing that value system on Jesus’s teaching, or Buddhist teaching… Tom Cruise used Scientology on his first two kids. Are you noticing a theme here, sweetie? Parents raise their children. Parents teach their children what is right and what is wrong. See, I was coming of age during Bill Clinton’s time in office. When Bill Clinton was raping the ladies, and his lovely wife Hillary was covering up the rapes. Thereby excusing actual rape culture in the White House. Ironically it was Democrat parents who taught their children “Every president has affairs! Sex is no big deal!” to their sons and daughters.
Noticing a theme here?
So my advice, other than not procreating (since we’re passed that) is to raise your son to be a good man. Because guess what, honey buns? Even if Trump is elected to two terms, your bouncing baby boy? He’s not even going to know what a pussy is for several years. Unless, of course, you teach him what a pussy is while he’s but a young lad. And based on the words you’ve typed in all seriousness, maybe you will. My confidence in your parenting skills are as low as Hillary stoops to excuse rape and murder.
Ironically your seem to understand that it’s YOUR job to raise YOUR son. But your way of going about it…?
We need to raise a little boy who knows he can talk to us about those things, who wants to ask questions about the things that confuse him. We can read our son Judy Blume, and Laura Ingalls Wilder, and all the Nancy Drew mysteries. We can talk to him about the man who was in office when he was conceived, a self-declared feminist who made the world a better place for men and women of all colors and stripes. The burden of raising a good man in the age of Trump is a burden, but it’s on my husband and me to make sure that we do this right.
I’ll pray for your son. Who it sounds like will need all the help he can get. What with you trying to make a wimp out of him while raising up Hillary to angelic standards. See my notes above about how putting Hillary on a pedestal enters you into Moron of 2016 category. You have multiple awards coming your way, baby cakes. Hope you’ve cleared a space.
For more on how you, a feminist, is wrong in all areas of life, watch this video.