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New Drug 'Flakka' Turns People into Naked Dragon-Chasers. Yes, Really...
Drugged-up deadbeats are always looking for new, innovative ways to shed brain cells. These days, reducing cognitive functions with a toke on a good old-fashioned doobie just doesn't cut it. Plus it's been a while since Amy Schumer wrote a joke. Drug-addled freeloaders now require mind-altering substances of the slap-your-mom and eat-a-guy's-face caliber. At least they're expanding their horizons.
Which brings us to Flakka, the new drug that turns you into a naked, plunderous dragon-slaying canine:
Otherwise normal folks suddenly running naked, screaming through the streets and breaking into homes?
That kind of bizarre and sometimes dangerous behavior has taken place in recent years in the South and Midwest – with the most recent headline-grabbing case in Missouri. Police trace it all to a synthetic substance related to bath salts that is known as “flakka.”
Not to be confused with a rapper, kind of using that name paired with flame. Don't be a racist.
Earlier this month, four people in Sullivan, Mo., who overdosed on what police indicate was most likely flakka, took to the streets, barking and shedding their clothes, and broke into homes and businesses. Two were arrested and the others were taken to a hospital.
“They’re seeing double, they’re seeing dragons. They believe wholeheartedly that it’s actually occurring.”
Talk about partying hard, eh?
You know the slope is slipped and brains are frying when people's idea of a good time is being an amped-up wannabe golden retriever. Light that tennis ball up. Daddy's high.
Here in the realm of reality, these Flakked-out loony tunes are pulling B&Es with their dangles hanging out.Better hope there's still juice in their pacemaker's Duracells. Meemaw and her bridge-playing friends never wished to behold such shriveled fruit.
Inside the Flakker's dope-addled brain? As empty as their curriculum vitae. Just a dog on another whimsical adventure with his pet dragon.
It's like everyone's in a rush to lower their IQ to the level of a Bernie voter. All the while, they claim drugs turn your brain into a supercomputer. Because this one time they beat Zelda while lit. You should've seen it bro.
Sorry to burst your smoke-filled bubble, but drugs don't usually turn people into sultans of smack.