The Department of Defense released an eerie video showing a Navy pilot's encounter with an unidentified flying object. This could be Russia's greatest prank. Or it's just Rosie O'Donnell.

Setting aside the possibility this is actually alien life, for which even the Pentagon might take seriously, we need to examine other possibilities. All satirical, a point I must make for the occasional moron who doesn't understand such things:

1. It's Amy Schumer. What else is full of hot air and shaped like a puffed up Twinkie? We haven't seen much of Amy since the Leather Special dropped like MOAB on ISIS. Perhaps her rage sent her into orbit. She probably has enough alcohol in her system to get her into at least one stratosphere, yeah?

2. Putin was feeling pranky. I can see Putin now, snuggled up in his footie pajamas, laughing his superior ass off at stupid Americans who bought his elaborate prank. Perhaps he's tired of the election conspiracies and wants us to move onto kookier ones. In which case we should congratulate him for a Russian space craft that actually eluded American planes. How long before America launches better ships which actually carry men into space? See also: history.

3. Jimmy Kimmel is staging his own alien abduction for sympathy points. Seems every time the late night show opens his trap to discuss serious issues, those serious issues go the wrong way. Maybe Kimmel needed something real to cry about. Rather than offering his son as a propaganda device, he summoned his biological parents from Planet BooHoo.

4. Harvey Weinstein launched a giant depiction of his now notorious John Thomas into the atmosphere. It's a last ditch attempt to salvage his reputation. Failing to understand all women everywhere read into such maneuvers as gross over-compensating. Would've been simpler to drive a lifted truck.

5. Hillary Clinton lost a pantsuit. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Or is it Hillary's closet? The object spotted by the Navy pilot was strange and unsettling. Maybe it's not so much the pilot couldn't catch it, maybe he didn't want to. Perhaps his subconscious mind prevented him from getting closer to the tentish garment. A garment which spells death.

I'd prefer aliens to any of the above. Less frightening.

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