Been feeling too happy lately? Ignoring the nagging urge to feel disappointed? Just listen to any MSNBC commentator talk. Problem solved.

Granted, nobody rivals Melissa Harris-Perry’s knack for verbal diarrhea. If you took a shot every time she made an idiotic comment, your liver would look like Mickey Rourke (See Melissa Harris-Perry’s Bizzarre, Anti-Gun Comment). Brace yourself, she’s at it again.

Hold on, developing a substance abuse problem. Be right back…

I don’t want the Obama administration’s final year to be marred by a fugitive slave law around the question of this deportation that leads in the context of Flint to actual children actually being poisoned because they’re afraid to open the door to clean water.

Really? That’s the one thing that might mar Obama’s pristine administration?

She just insulted every slave to have ever existed on earth. Her brain might be broken. Allow me to point out the obvious. Someone being kidnapped from their homeland and forced into servitude is very different from someone blatantly breaking the law so they can sit on a couch in the A/C, watching Telemundo. Yet according to Melissa, taking a runaway slave and forcing them back into slavery is not all that different than sending someone back to their home country. Where they live very similarly to actual slaves.

My apologies to illegal immigrants. Sorry you have to feel uncomfortable around the government because you broke the law. The good news is that there’s a surefire way to avoid said discomfort. Don’t be a criminal. See, people like Melissa Harris-Perry think that those who disregard the law for their own selfish gain are entitled to have nice things, like comfort. Unless they’re a capitalist or corporation. Or white. Or a police officer. Or heterosexual. Or male.

One final question: what does this say about legal immigrants? You know, people like my mom (or many of your parents)? Considering that they signed the paperwork, pay taxes, contribute to American society and are statistically the most avid opponents of illegal immigration around… are they to be considered slave-traders? The bodega-owner down the street from Poland? Is he a slave trader? The French Canadian who owns a craft “poutine” shop down the street? Is she a slave-trader? What about the actual African American businessman who fled actual slavery to legally operate and own a business here in the United States? Is he a regular KONY? Just food for thought. Though I’m sure you’ll merely choke.

Once more, the left rides off into the sunset draped in smug, moral superiority thanks to this kind of arbitrary rhetoric that caters to senseless feel-goodery. It’s a cheap trick. That’s why they bring up “actual children” instead of “actual illegal immigrants.” Because that whole “illegal” point? Well, it’s kind of key.

Think I’m off-base? Send your tweets to @SCrowder and I’ll be sure to have a chuckle.