If you ask climate change activists, global warming is on the verge of turning the world into a hellish wasteland. A living nightmare of perpetual warm weather, child prostitution, polar bear attacks. And Al Gore filling in for Pennywise. But brace yourselves, the worst has happened. I hope you like your pancakes plain. Because maple syrup is about to go the way of the dinosaur and 8-track tapes.

Climate change could threaten breakfast. According to a new study, sugar maples that provide sap for syrup may not survive the hot and dry climate caused by global warming.

Sugar maples in the northern hardwood forests across eastern North America are particularly drought-sensitive. As global temperatures rise, the lack of enough water could stunt their growth, a new, decades-long study found. The number of sugar maple trees will decrease, diminishing the amount of maple syrup available and eliminating the stunning colors of these forests during autumn.

Wait. Aunt Jemima's on her deathbed?!

Well played, climate alarmists. You win. No way is anyone going to allow their di-beetus-inducing pancake topping to fade into extinction. God help us.

Let's be real for a second here. The fine people over at Mrs. Butterworth's aren't about to go silent into that good night. If the maple trees really do start meeting their maker, growers will move to a more suitable climate and plant there. Fear not, maple trees will have their trunks tapped so long as there's a demand for sugary tree discharges. Screw you eggs and kale. Tis not the waffle's last cry.

FEAR NOT, COFFEE. THOU SHALT NOT BE TIED TO OATMEAL'S SAD, SOGGINESS.

Leftists are always trying to scare us with doomsday prophecies of traffic fatalities, rising oceans, and a planet suffering starvation. But threatening barren pancakes is a line crossed. Temper your excitement, snooty jams and pompous powdered sugar. Maple syrup will RISE from the dry, rain-deprived soils of Mother Earth.

Seeing as the science is still unsettled on climate change, it's no wonder this is the best they've got. If you lefties are trying to convince us on global warming, you're going to have to try a lot harder than threatening a dry breakfast's topping.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the store for pancake implements. WHILE I STILL CAN!

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