Manhunt Underway for Street-Defecating 'Mad Pooper' Bandit...
Let's give the politics a rest for a few minutes. There's only so many times we can write about gun-grabbing, Socialism-loving, baby-killing leftists before we start to repeat ourselves. Besides, there's plenty of other steaming hot stories out there. Like this one. A deuce-dropping douchenozzle is terrorizing a suburb with her butt truffles. They've dubbed her the "Mad Pooper." Yes, really...
Looks like we've got a classic case of crap-and-run.
The real question in this case? What is the craptastic butt-bandit's motive? It's important to figure that out if we're going to stop this heathen from brown-bombing the entire neighborhood. Is she a drugged-out hippie ecosexual trying to "get closer to nature?" Or, is this a classic revenge story? After years of neighborhood dogs defecating on her lawn, she finally snapped and decided it was payback time.
Being a cop must suck big time. I'm sure when those officers signed up, they thought it would all be car chases and wild west shootouts. They had no idea they'd be following trails of anal morsels and checking undies for skid marks. When they're not being accused of questing to murder every African American person of color they see, that is. It sounds like such a crap deal.
Until this bandit is caught, nobody's shoes are safe. If you must go out, carry a can of Lysol, some operating room booties, and a roll of Charmin. Double ply. You never know when you might come across some of the Mad Pooper's handiwork.
More importantly, if you see something, say something. Every box of Ex-Lax you see bought. Every fart that wafts into your general direction. Report it. The cops are going to need all hands on (the poop) deck if we're going to bring the Mad Pooper's log-dropping terror streak to an end.