If you have grey skin, ribs cutting through your middle, and clumps of hair falling from atop your noggin, you might be a vegan. I suggest you get yourself checked by a medical professional immediately. Such an ailment brings unhealthiness and delusion (see Woman Spots Chicken Truck, Rams it With Her Car. Because She’s Vegan… and EXCELLENT: Switzerland Denies Vegan Citizenship. For ‘Being Too Annoying’…). For instance, you might believe polar bears are dying off at alarming rates. Calm thyself. They are not.

Hipsters vegans seem convinced global warming is real. They're also convinced the solution is lab-made meats, apparently. Mmm, a Petri dish ham sandwich.

SuperMeat, an Israeli biotech and food-tech startup that is developing lab-made chicken meat, has raised $3 million in seed funding, as it becomes the latest of a crop of so-called 'clean meat' companies to get off the ground... SuperMeat CEO and co-founder Ido Savir told me in a call last week.

This guy is also an "ethical" vegan. Of course, there's nothing ethical or about putting one's body through that hell.

Put over simply, the process involves feeding the cells the correct nutrients to produce muscle and fat, as would ordinarily happen were they grown inside an animal's body.

If lab-made meat could replace the need to rear (and slaughter) animals, it would be hugely beneficial in reducing the environmental impact that industrial farming has, as well as reducing the spread of food-borne illnesses.

"The environmental impact that industrial farming has." Let's pretend this is a legitimate argument for a moment. So we're going to replace "harmful" farming with factories mass producing artificial meat with the use of chemicals, hormones, and uncle Joe's toe fungus? Sounds kind of wasteful and harmful to, oh I don't know, the human species.

 Like competitors in the space, SuperMeat has a number of major hurdles to cross, both in terms of the core science of growing meat in a lab that actually tastes good... It reckons it is still up to three years away from putting SuperMeat products on supermarket shelves.

Thank the Lord this abomination isn't yet sitting next to our favorite slabs of pork belly and butt. They also admit their prototype meat tastes like Hillary Clinton if she was leather.

To that end, the Tel Aviv startup has, for now, ditched the utopian dream of lab-grown whole organs, such as a chicken breast, in favour of initially creating lab-made chicken that can be used in processed foods.

Instead of producing virtuous chicken, they only make packaged, processed, chemically flavored cow dung. That "clean-meat" ends up in a processing plant which most likely causes air pollutants while boxing up those extra crispy not-chicken nuggets. Efficiency.

It sounds like artificially producing meat just produces crappy tasting mush, fried in acid chemical baths. But it's all about saving chicken Rolf and his cow friend Bingo. Saving them for what kind of world, we can only guess. Probably a world inhabited by vegans on life support whose brains have already perished.

While we're on the subject of ignorant ideas formed by ignoramus minds. Behold, the top 5 myths of global changes:

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