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Guardian Op-Ed Warns Too Much Exercise Will Make You Right Wing
Just when you think you've heard it all, this duncetastic doucheburrito comes along to prove you wrong. Get ready for this. According to this columnist from The Guardian, talking about your exercise routine puts you at risk of becoming a self-sufficient right-winger. Horrific.
Fitness boasters try to cover [their boasting] up by featuring their dog in a selfie (“beautiful morning run with my buddy!”), or amplifying their own unworthiness in the face of an arduous task (#challenge), but the showing off couldn’t be plainer: “Here I am, improving myself, with willpower and grit, and because I was so great to start with, I’m shortly to become even better.” In normal life, we learn not to do this at roughly the age we learn not to bite people when we’re cross.
Do too much, and the self-love develops a carapace of self-sufficiency. Unavoidably, over time, this makes you more rightwing, as you descend into an aerobics-powered moral universe where only the weak need each other.
Yep, she went there.
Yep, one minute you're shrinking your gut. Then, before you know it, you're shrinking your government. Horrific. Who would've known each rep is putting you one step closer to buying a MAGA hat from Amazon and putting an "R" after your name. This is why it's important to not let your body fat percentage sink below 25%. Otherwise, you're at risk of supporting low taxes and being free to do stuff.
Yes, scrap your Bowflex and load up on the carbs. Sure, the spare tire around your waist will put you at risk of heart disease and the 'beetus. On the other hand, you can at least rest easy at night. On your reinforced bed. Knowing even though you're turning into a pudge-monster, you aren't a conservative.
Leave it to the left to politicize everything. Being confident about the hard work you put into your exercise is "right wing" stuff now. I suppose this would explain why so many leftists are blubbery, gelatinous hambeasts. God help us.