The Roseanne Reboot is getting a reboot. Meet The Conners. Even though you've probably already met them and they're not the reason you watched the show. But Roseanne Barr agreed to take her name off the show to save people's jobs.

"I regret the circumstances that have caused me to be removed from Roseanne. I agreed to the settlement in order that 200 jobs of beloved cast and crew could be saved, and I wish the best for everyone involved."

No word on how they are going to kill off Roseanne (see Joe Rogan on Roseanne: I Talked To Her and Believe Every Word She Said and John Goodman on Roseanne Cancellation: I Wasn’t Winning an Emmy Anyway). They'll probably give her a heart attack. Then pretend that she never died when it's time for the Roseanne Reboot Reboot Reboot.

Or:

Maybe:

Whether this new show is any good, we'll have to wait until the fall. Though I can't be the only one assuming the "appealing to middle America" aspect is going straight down the crapper. Too many leftists were offended by other opinions expressed. Making a hard left turn with The Conners is the only way to appease the social justice troll gods.

So here are five storylines I wouldn't be surprised to see.

1. Roseanne leaves her family to pursue her dream on the NASCAR circuit. Her long lost cousin Coy from Georgia, and his husband Vance, move in to help Dan run the house. They're poor, but they have a lawsuit pending with a Christian baker. Incoming cha-ching.
2. Every episode opens with Dan sitting in the corner, thinking about his white male privilege. The song "Hello Darkness My Old Friend" plays in the background. Interspersed with past statements from past episodes, rebooted and original, of him being a white male privileged man ape. No, not a Planet of the Apes ape, an ape in the metaphorical sense. The kind wives use to describe their husbands when their husbands are off drinking. Eventually, Dan purposely makes sexist comments around women just so he can be banished to his basement. Which he's stockpiled with beer.
3. Their youngest son Jerry Garcia (I swear, that's what they named him) returns from the war as a vegan atheist. They close every episode with a lecture at the kitchen table. Just as Full House ended with a lesson, The Conners ends with reasons you may want to kill yourself. Tofu bacon is literally rape.
4. Darlene fights so her son can try out for the girls' wrestling team. The parent conferences devolve into #ImWithHer rants. After much infighting, the parents give in, allow Darlene's son to enter. Plot-twist: the girls still kick his ass.
5. David Hogg moves in next door and starts a reoccurring role as their wacky neighbor. You'll never see his chin. Not because the fence is hiding it. But because there isn't a chin.

Sound off in the comments below. What storylines are you picturing for the new show?

No, "I don't care" isn't an option. It's Friday. Lighten up, Francis.

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