Communist China Uses Face Recognition Computers to Ration Toilet Paper
#LwC Senior Poop Correspondent Corey Stalling is off today (see Manhunt Underway for Street-Defecating ‘Mad Pooper’ Bandit and Manhunt Underway for Street-Defecating ‘Mad Pooper’ Bandit), so I'll be filling in. This story is actually from a few months ago, but Mashable decided to revisit it, so let's revisit it. Kind of like that spicy curry you had last night. #FeeltheBurn
Communist China is having a string of toilet paper thefts. Ergo they must ration toilet paper. And are using facial recognition software. Toilet paper. Facial recognition software. Let that soak in before wiping.
That's because people have been taking so much toilet paper that the UNESCO World Heritage Site operators decided enough was enough, and installed facial recognition dispensers at its toilets, local reports said.
If the same user is detected within nine minutes, the dispenser will deny them a second feed of paper.
Obviously, anyone who has eaten Chinese food before can see how this may be problematic.
In the short time it's been up, the system has already cut down usage to a fraction, temple staff said. According to the Beijing Evening News, each washroom average four rolls of toilet paper, compared to 20 rolls before.
In America, where capitalism runs wild and free, we get to use all the toilet paper our little hearts desire. And more importantly, need. Especially if you've eaten at Taco Bell or In n' Out Burger. In America, we haven't any politicians saying "Free toilet paper for all!" or "TP is a human right!" because we have abundant supplies of our favorite posterior wipes. For whenever the nature bell tolls. Hey, ho, hey, ho, give me TP I have to go!
The more I think about this, the more I want to read the protest signs to STOP RATIONING THE CHARMIN!
Though dollars to donuts some green lefties are reading this and thinking toilet paper rationing is a gangbusters idea. Save the trees. Save the anal rash. Save the world!
Co-written by John Porter and Courtney Kirchoff