Your candidacy’s barely begun… and America’s already spoken. Donald Trump, you’re fired. I’m sorry (not really), but you are.
You’re the undisputed business genius of the world. Filing Chapter 11. Very clever. Seriously though, politics is just not your thing. Leave the campaigning to somebody else.
Because, uhm, your speech was really bad. And even with your god-like descent from your ivory tower via escalator to your podium today, you’re obviously, totally not ready for this. Which is so unlike you… it makes us know you’re 100% outside of your comfort zone right now. Think our assessment unfair? Here’s 5 things from your speech today that made us grimace. In pain…. To “Anchorman Gifs.”
1. The candidate who hasn’t filed. As best as we can tell, at the time of his announcement, Donald Trump had yet to file with the election commission. Who in their right mind announces their campaign without it actually being, uhm, confirmed and legal and stuff?
2. Donald Trump talks too much… about himself. We know it’s a thing politicians do. But sir, your speech lasted like 5,000 hours. Which was 4,999.99 hours too long.
3. The man who spoke forever, and was literally nonsensical. Seriously, you guys. Trump said, and we quote, “Some of the candidates, they went in and didn’t know the air conditioner didn’t work and sweated like dogs, and they didn’t know the room was too big because they didn’t have anybody there. How are they going to beat ISIS?” Uhmmmmm… what?
4. The tech mogul who’s not! Another direct quote for you, “I have so many websites. I have them all over the place. I hire people … it costs me three dollars.” So… does Donald Trump pay his people $3? Or does he buy domain names for $3? Or maybe, the Donald is just in over his combovered head?
5. Mexico will pay! Alright, so we all agree we have an immigration problem. We agree, we need to put a bigger, better fence at the border. But Donald Trump? He takes it to a whole new, ridiculous, level. “I would build a wall like nobody can build a wall… Nobody can build a fence like me.” But wait, there’s more! His plan would require that Mexico pay for it all! “They will pay for it because they have really ripped this country off. They have really taken advantage of us both economically and at the border. They will pay for that fence.” When the construction is finished, Trump says, “nobody comes in illegally anymore.” If the Trump fence guarantees no one EVER gets in our country illegally EVER again… and he’s so passionate about this issue, can he just donate some of his billions and get it done now?
We’re not the only ones who noticed the speech’s bizarre nature. The DNC Press Secretary actually summed things up pretty nicely for us… if you read it in snarky sarcasm, that is: “Today, Donald Trump became the second major Republican candidate to announce for president in two days. He adds some much-needed seriousness that has previously been lacking from the GOP field, and we look forward to hearing more about his ideas for the nation.”
Trump, you’re fired.