Dear perverts who use any excuse to show naked actors doing porny things,
Name me a movie where the sex scene was important to the plot. Because as far as I can tell — with my limited movie knowledge, I’ll grant you — there’s no love scene that makes a dent in a movie’s storyline. The one and only exception which pops into my mind is The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, in which the main character is violently raped. But that scene wasn’t what I’d consider the normal Hollywood fare of using any and all excuses for two actors to get nekked and make panty sounds, to the delight of every pervert watching.
Yet despite gratuitous nude and sex scenes adding zero to the plot, you titans of perversion keep polluting movies and television shows with light porn, to the dismay of large chunks of the audience, and even the actors themselves.
Look, despite what many may say about me, this isn’t a prudish opinion. We already have a vibrant porn industry for people who like watching horny ladies and gentlemen get it on in all sorts of ways. Don’t think I can’t draw the conclusion as to why you’re sneaking in simulated sex into films and overrated television shows with lame catchphrases. Winter is always coming, people. It follows fall. Even during winter, another winter is just one year away. Stop it.
But I digress. I know you want to grab that type of audience member, the kind of guy or gal who enjoys acting like a peeping Tom, watching strangers engage in intimate activities, so he or she can pretend he or she is in the scene, as he or she engages in self-touch.
But lately, the lines between porn and artful film have been blurred in ways genitalia is not. Where one used to have to go to porn to see explicit sex, now all one needs is HBO, Showtime, heck, even just a streaming service like Netflix. Sex scenes are now almost expected, and as a result, not only are sex scenes no longer “edgy” or “raw” they’re kind of boring.
Sure, sure, as a woman I may not be the target audience in mind for a director or producer (usually a man) who insists a film or television show have EVEN MOAR SEX! But I can’t be the only one who, when actors start stripping, breathing heavily, and mauling each other, rolls her eyes. Again? Another simulated sex scene? More boobs? More butts? More bed sheets which after the deed can perfectly cover a woman’s bosoms but weirdly can only cover a man’s crotch? What’s fresh about these scenes? What about sex scenes in so much of our entertainment is actually entertaining? Sex scenes are like a third explosion in a Michael Bay film. If you can get that far into the film without performing a lobotomy on yourself.
Look it, I’m not saying I don’t enjoy seeing a hotty actor showing us all their hotty bods. I watched Thor: Ragnarok two nights in a row, and not for Jeff Goldblum. I’ve seen Justice Leauge just once because it was terrible. But I’ve watched a specific scene from Justice Leauge about seven times, courtesy of YouTube. I am not proud. But I’m also not sorry. So I appreciate a strapping man as a man appreciates a smoking hot lady. But what I enjoy most is the allure of the figure they cast, not the panting, grunting, gyrating graphicness of an act better left behind closed doors. Or at the very least, hinted to as the plot moves along its merry way.
Said in another way, in a point which might be repetitive: if I wanted to see sex, I’d watch porn.
But I don’t want to see porn. I watch films and television shows to be entertained. What I find entertaining is the unexpected, if not just solid writing and great character development. Anymore it seems you perverts in Hollywood add sex scenes in lieu of a strong plot, in place of engaging dialogue, to replace shallow characters. As if you think people like me will be dazzled by a man and woman rubbing on each other. Sorry, but your sleight of hand isn’t working. I see your bouncing mammaries for exactly what they are: laziness. Your appeal to human beings’ most basic, animalistic instinct cannot cover for your failure to be original.
So ditch the naked, panting, sweaty people and try for something which might require a little more effort: creativity.