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Dear Hillary Clinton Voters: What is WRONG with You People?!
Dear people who are happily voting for Hillary Clinton,
Lemme spare you from reading this entire post and just open with the punchline: have you no souls?
The soulless among us used to be limited to murderers, rapists. And redheads. But if you're #ImWithHer, count yourself among the walking dead. Not to be confused with the TV show people constantly return to despite the killing off of beloved characters (or super annoying characters, here's looking at you ANGELA) in the most horrific ways possible. But only after they publicly decry the show. No, I'm talking about you heartless, soulless, thoughtless dunderheads who actually support Hillary Clinton.
An elimination round: During the Democratic primaries, a number of Democrats were told, in no uncertain terms, to bend over, grab their ankles and have #ImWithHer tattooed on their creamy, cellulite-ridden butts. Lest they be labeled a sexist instead. Hillary was always going to win the primaries. Bernie Sanders was nothing but an arm-flapping puppet, used by Hillary and her flying she-monkies to prove Hillary could actually win something. The proof is in the rigged system.
Put some lotion on it, you Bernie Sanders voters. Y'all got burned (see what I did there?). Over on the Republican side, Donald Trump actually won the primary. Oh yes, I cry about that one whenever he says something inane, but at least he won the candidacy fairly. You Berners got spat upon. By Hillary. Wipe it with a cloth or something. So this open letter? Not really to you, is it? No. So spare me your triggered comments which I'll dutifully ignore. A kindness not granted to you "basement-dwellers" by Hillary.
No, this open letter is for you pawns who slapped the Hillary bumper sticker on your Prius. Right next to the "Corporations are not people" bumper sticker. A sticker which was probably manufactured by a corporation. Made up of people. Much like Toyota... Gawd you're all numbskulls.
So since you're #ImWithHer--and thrilled about it--lemme ask you what in Allah's name about Hillary makes you think she'd be a good president? Because I'm not seeing it. Perhaps I'm distracted by the psychedelic patterns which beset her tentish jackets.
Before you call me a "sexist," don't. I'm equipped with all the female parts--since conception--which makes me a woman. A "cis-woman" if we want to get all SJW about it. Why not, I'll speak your language. When in Rome.
Before you try deflecting with "BUT WHAT QUALIFIES TRUMP?" nice try. We're talking about your gal pal Hillary. But since I brought it up, Trump isn't great either. As I stated above, I'm not thrilled. He wasn't my first, second, or third choice. In fact right now, the strongest argument for Trump is that he's Not-Hillary. Okay? Okay.
So again I ask: what makes you think Hillary would be a good president? I'll even dumb it down a bit. Why should Hillary be president at all?
Don't feel too bad if you come up empty. Thinking is hard for some people, yes but it was a trick question. Hillary Supporters Generally Can't Name a SINGLE Hillary Accomplishment.
And no, "because she's a she" isn't a reason to vote for anyone. Besides, I thought you people believed gender is a "societal construct." So why is it you stump for Hillary on the gender card? That one isn't a trick question, I really would like the answer.
Sorry, too many questions, likely causing your tiny little brains to malfunction. Not unlike Hillary. Focus on the first question while I rattle through all the ways in which Hillary might be the devil, or at least one of his minions. Perhaps his secretary.
At this point in the election cycle, "Hillary is the Devil" rings like a tired cliche. Doesn't mean it's wrong. The reason people like me believe The Devil Wears Pantsuits is not because her voice sounds like demon-speak. Hillary Heretics do not say "Hillary is Satan" because she's simply a corrupt politician. If corrupt politicians a devil made, Washington D.C. would be Hell on Earth. That topic is for another column.
If you're voting for Hillary Clinton, you're voting for more than just a corrupt politician who thinks a tarp is an acceptable fashion choice. Pantsuits are great fodder, but wearing them doesn't qualify one as a servant of Satan. To my knowledge.
What deprives you, a happy Hillary voter, of a soul, is supporting a candidate who sees no problem with the killing of an unborn child, even right up to birth. In the third and final debate, Hillary Clinton reaffirmed her belief that a mother should be able to kill her viable, unborn child, by pulling out most of its body, then puncturing its head.
Lovely. Tell me again why you Democrats consider yourselves "compassionate."
Then there's Hillary's many scandals of which you're likely familiar: Benghazi, an illegal email server, the coverups of Bill Clinton's alleged rapes, Whitewater, accepting donations from countries with egregious human right's violations, and every recent WikiLeaks revelation (exposing more corruption, intimidation, and even a wee bit of racism). Let's not forget what Project Veritas has uncovered about the Shewitch: voter fraud.
Here's why I rapid-fired those scandals: you soulless fiends don't care. You don't care four people in Benghazi died and Hillary lied. You don't care Hillary tells Wall Street fat cats one thing, and sells you another. You don't care Hillary Clinton intimidated and silenced rape victims. You don't care Hillary Clinton thinks killing an unborn child, right up until its born, is acceptable. You don't care she breaks the law without consequence.
If you don't care about Hillary's nasty, evil ways, if you excuse them so you might proclaim how much you do care about "the planet," women's "rights" and whether or not a man should be allowed to pee with women, does it not stand to reason you support those things too? What other conclusion am I to draw?
At this point even if Hillary Clinton burned a puppy alive, on camera, you sick heathens would concoct some excuse for her deplorable act. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Because voting for Hillary, knowing all that she politically stands for, the corruption, the criminality, four dead Americans, is voting for all of Hillary's policies. You may not be Hillary herself, but you're voting for what she endorses.
Written by Courtney Kirchoff