Dearest Bey,

Sometimes bluntness is best served hot. If you decide to take offense at the "whore" thing, just let me know straight away. I'll totally apologize for it. And by apologize, I mean I'll pepper this post with GIFs which prove how often you use sexuality to make money. Actually, scratch that. I'm adding the GIFs regardless of how you react to being called a whore. I just have to assume with how often you twerk, shake, jiggle and gyrate, you must be totally fine with the moniker on the whole.

Oh, a disclaimer should be issued right here. I'll slip it in like a dollar bill between that black band you wore on your right thigh during halftime. –Yes, that's me calling you a stripper. Get used it, more coming. – Disclaimer: the difference between you acting like a whore and Miley Cyrus acting like a whore is age.

Also, Miley Cyrus is a whore. Miley got an open letter of disappointment and warning, in hopes she'd steer clear of the path you're racing down. While collecting fat stacks. That's why her letter reads a little softer than yours (read Dear Miley Cyrus: We'll Respect You When You Respect You). She's young. You're not young. Don't be making it a racial thing. It's an age and/or whore thing.

Which is a perfect transition to the gist of this letter. Oh, speaking of smooth transitions...

Let's talk Super Bowl. Lady Gaga, who is often a walking freak-show, and who I've also regularly mocked for knowing jack about domestic violence (read Hey Lady Gaga, Women Commit Domestic Violence Too! More, Actually...) actually opened the Super Bowl with an awesome rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Yeah, her eye shadow sparkled. But she classed up Santa Clara a little bit there with her respectful singing. Though she often covers it with schlock, she's a talented broad. I know, I know. Ugly chicks have to go fishing with dynamite.

So fast forward through several Cam Newton temper tantrums to Halftime. Well, let's be as transparent as some of your costumes, shall we? How did you arrive at the stadium that day? Under heavy police escort. This has a point, so bare the bewbs with me.

At Halftime you performed "Formation" a song which, in the music video, pays homage to the false narrative that police officers kill black people just for kicks.

One more time. You arrived at Levi's Stadium with a police escort, where you then performed a song which bashed police. Maybe this isn't a concept with which you're tremendously familiar, Bey, but we call it "hypocritical" or "ironic." Do try and keep up.

Yeah, there you are again acting all slutty. I know, I know it's your schtick. But ranting is mine, so stay with me.

After people pointed out the obvious race-bashing of your performance, where you clearly honored the Black Panthers (a divisive group which was, let's be real here, quite hateful), your defenders called anyone who objected to you "racist." We weren't surprised. You know who else supported you? #BlackLivesMatter. Who notoriously hate the fuzz. But you probably already know that, because you're dearest husband, Jay-Z, is donating money to BlackLivesMatter.

Okay, fine. You race-baited. I guess that means you not only act like a whore, you're a racist whore. Before you accuse me of sexism, let's add another GIF...

I cannot unsee that. Ever.

Lemme stop you people yelling "Slut-shaming," from yelling anymore. If you don't want to be slut-shamed, don't act like a slut. That's like, the first rule of Slut Club. Maybe the second rule, right behind "I will hump the air on stage for money."

So Bey, the main reason people hate you is not because you're a race-baiting hypocrite. It's because you're a slutty, race-baiting hypocrite who likes to play the race card when it suits you, then play up the pretty blonde side when that suits you.

Oh yeah, I went there. Blonde. Straight, blonde hair. That's the "Beyoncé" brand. #BlackLivesMatter yo. You're a role model to young black girls who can afford expensive dye-and-deperm jobs everywhere.

You totally borrowed your hair style from Gisele. In fact if I didn't know better, I'd just assume you were white. Hey, you brought race into this first, I'm just following your trail of thongs bread crumbs.

Speaking of white people, how much of your fan base is white? I'm not sure if there's a safe way to Google "Did white people make Beyonce rich?" lest the speech police come and haul me away. But pretty sure a big chunk of your fan base is white. Something to think about next time you go all Black Power and crap.

Oh, here's another reason people hate you. Your husband Jay-Z is a drug-dealing crap-weasel. Okay, fine. Used to be a drug-dealing crap-weasel. Somebody audit his #BlackLivesMatter Donations and see how much funding was filed under "methamphetamine."

All this to say, Bey, your "blackness" isn't why a lot of people cannot stand the sight of your gyrating ass. Some of us just like our musical artists to rely on their talent. Not their tits. Not their racist songs. Not the fact that your songs are often written by entire teams of people. Also, "Formation"? It SUCKS. Bad tune. Horrible lyrics. You know it and that's why you sold it by dancing around like a whore.

Which brings us right back to square one. You're a whore. That's why we don't like you.

Co-written by Courtney Kirchoff and Steven Crowder. Send them your hate tweets, so they can proceed to not give a crap.