Dear Bernie Sanders,
I heard your plan to forgive student loan debt to those hard-working college cupcakes who are burdened with debt they willingly accumulated through no fault but their own fault. After listening to your many public spiels, usually with plenty of arm-flapping and an air filled with flyaway hairs, I also know you’re a man who loves to talk about fairness and equality, in addition to your great acceptance of alternate lifestyles. So I’m hoping you can hear me out as I lay my case before you.
Like the dew-eyed college student working toward a degree in the liberal arts, philosophy, and gender theory because it’s their dream, I too have dreams. My dreams and my ambitions fuel my happiness and happiness is just as much a right as an education is. At least the pursuit of it is a right. In the pursuit of my happiness, which is a human right, I am now saddled with not one but two loans. They’re listed as “auto loans” but that is just how they were mislabeled when I signed them. Both cars I have, because of these loans, have led me to become a better, more rounded, more traveled, more experienced person, and thus these loans identify as student loans.
You need to forgive them.
You see, it’s not fair that I have to pay two loans to perform not just my most basic tasks as a resident of the first world, like grocery shopping, errand-running, and meeting friends and family for social occasions usually involving food, but also to transport what I see as the basic embodiment of my joy. My horse. And shouldn’t we all have the right to joy? And the transportation of that joy should someone’s joy manifest itself into a animal weighing several hundred pounds? It’s a basic, human right just as much as healthcare.
Students often say education is a right because one cannot attain a valuable career without an education. Which is why my auto loans both identify as student loans. As I cannot perform basic tasks without reliable transportation.
You may say two auto loans is a bit silly. Wrong. I should be rewarded for my kind consideration in not driving what is basically a tank to pick up my kale, taking up four spots instead of one. By driving my car to the store, and taking just one spot, I’m leaving room for the single mother with five children from six different fathers, who NEEDS a parking spot of her own. If not two parking spots because it’s hard to stay in the lines when one is so intoxicated.
Yes, I knew what kind of debt I was getting myself into when I bought my first car, then my truck sometime after. But two car payments is rather a lot, and since we’re forgiving student loans because student loans are a lot, then my auto loans are just as deserving of forgiveness because they’re a lot. Why should I have to pay back my auto-identifying-as-student loans if students don’t have to pay their student loans? Where’s the equality? Where’s the fairness?
Who am I to deny the loan identity of my loans? Who are you to discriminate based on loan identity? Why is student loan debt any more deserving of forgiveness of auto loans? Business loans? Home loans?
In fact, isn’t living in a home a basic human right as much as education and healthcare? Pretty sure home loans are just as valuable of forgiveness as student loans.
Have we not all learned from every loan we’ve taken out? Is it really fair that some loans be forgiven based on who they’re assigned to, and others are not? No. If sniveling students — many of whom are just unwilling to pay it back or unable to pay it back because they picked a crap major or dropped out of college — are forgiven their loans, then hard-working Americans with jobs trying to pay their loans should also be forgiven.
Accept my loans for what they now claim to be. And accept every loan for what it claims to be. Forgive all loans, Bernie. Or forgive none at all. That’s what equality is really about.
~Written by Courtney Kirchoff (who doesn’t actually expect any of her loans to be forgiven because she can pay for them her damn self, thank you very much you pandering shi!ts preying on the weakest losers amongst us.)