Every year in December, we celebrate breaking and entering. Not only are we ok with a man sneaking in to our homes while we sleep, we leave him cookies as a sign of thanks. But it’s ok, because he leaves us toys.
But have you ever wondered why no one has tried the “Reverse Santa?” Shimmying down the chimney, but to take presents? This Santa Crook in California discovered the reason. The hard way:
According to police, Jesse Berube, 32, was allegedly attempting to rob a business in Citrus Heights and thought he could slide in through the chimney. But once he tried, he found himself stuck on Wednesday with no way out on his own, police said.
Berube was reportedly able to move just enough to reach his phone and dial 911.
Responders from the Sacramento Fire Department arrived at the scene and used special equipment to get the suspect out.
Seriously, Harry and Marv from Home Alone were more competent, and that’s saying a lot.
I’ve never wanted to hear a 911 call so much in my life:
DISPATCH: 911, what’s your emergency?
CRIMINAL SANTA: So, funny story. I–locked myself out of my house and thought I could enter through the chimney. Wow, was that a dumb idea!
DISPATCH: Are you sure it was your house?
CRIMINAL SANTA: It could be.
DISPATCH: Police are on their way….
CRIMINAL SANTA: No no no, that’s ok. I’m sure they’re busy. No need for police. But do you think someone could stop by a Circle K and grab me a bottle of Crisco, or some K-Y? I can figure the rest out for myself.
This thieving douchelord is facing one count of burglary. His chestnuts are roasting on the open fire of justice. Oh what fun it is to ride in the po-po’s Chevrolet. I’m sure police could have hit him with more. But it’s hard to think when you’re laughing so hard you can’t breathe.