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How big of a waste of bone marrow and tissue sample do you have to be to steal a Christmas tree from Jesus. Granted, not THE Jesus. It was only A Jesus. Jesus who lives in San Mateo, California. Out of all the Christmas trees tied to the rooves of an SUV in all the parking lots, this schmuck stole the one belonging to a man name Jesus.

A video is going viral of the thievery. Jesus bought a Christmas tree for his family and foolishly thought it would be okay strapped the roof of his car while he ran some errands. That's when another man had a different idea. Let's call him Mariah. I'm not saying he identifies as she. But I needed a holiday-themed villain's name other than Scrooge, and Mariah is a close second.

Mariah rolled up in a White SUV, cut the strings off of Jesus's tree, and shoved the tree in the back of his car before driving off. According to local media, the lot gave Jesus a new tree for free, and police are on the lookout for similar crimes. You know, in case Mariah is working with a syndicate.

Where I find my brain wandering is the curiosity of how much planning Mariah put into the theft. Stealing clothing and jewelry, you can understand. Even toiletries. But the black Christmas Tree market sees a little niche.

I wonder if Mariah hit the streets that day with the intent of stealing a tree so that he could sell it back to someone too dumb to know you can still get a fake tree for cheaper than the five-finger discount.

Or was my man driving around doing his own shopping and said, "F*ck it, free tree?" It's California. At this point, you would assume all citizens know that stealing is less illegal and criminal as much as it is a suggestion to please not. Mariah stole the tree for no reason than it was there.

Jesus, in keeping with his namesake, was forgiving. He decided not to file a formal police report

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Brodigan is Grand Poobah of this here website and when he isn't writing words about things enjoys day drinking, pro-wrestling, and country music. You can find him on the Twitter too.

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