Since Shape of Water, better known in conservative circles as “Grinding Nemo” thanks to Ben Shapiro, won Best Picture at this year’s Oscars, HuffPo leveraged the moment to interview Malcom Brenner, who wrote the dolphin romance book Fifty Shades of Flipper. Wait, that can’t be right. Seven Dives for Seven Perverts? Nope. Hang on, gimme a minute. Message in a Bottlenose? Ah hell. Let’s roll pull quotes:
No, I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to male dolphins. As an adult, I’m heterosexual, although I cross species lines. As a teenager, as I wrote about in my memoir, there was a time in my life where I was jerking off to the family dog, a male poodle. But it wasn’t because I was gay. It was because his excitement got me very excited, and I found it pleasurable for both of us. If the female poodle had been as responsive as he was, I probably would have been boinking her.
Dang it. Started at the wrong pull quote. This is the part where our subject recalls fond memories of diddling himself to a male poodle. But he’s a straight, heterosexual man, he wants you to know. He just gave himself a tug because Rover liked it. Malcom wasn’t raping the poodle. Malcom was just getting excited with the poodle. The devil’s in the shared delight of leg humping. Segue:
“She would rub her genital slit against me,” he says in “Dolphin Lover.” “And if I tried to push her away, she would get very angry with me. One time, when she wanted to masturbate on my foot and I wouldn’t let her, she threw herself on top of me and pushed me down to the 12-foot bottom of the pool.”
#MeToo has broadened its horizons to SeaWorld. This better be the worst of it. Not sure I can handle news of Shamu jizzing it up in the “Splash Zone.”
After some time, Brenner and Dolly consummated their relationship — he vertical, she horizontal — but Brenner eventually moved away and Dolly was sent to an aquarium in Mississippi, where she later died.
Thank you, HuffPo, for explaining the sex mechanics between man and sea-mammal. Though Sebastian crabsplaining undersea life to Ariel makes so much more sense:
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Such wonderful things surround you
What more is you lookin’ for?
Under the sea
Under the sea!
Darling it’s better
Down where it’s wetter
Take it from me!
Sorry, but I had to. I’d also like to note Malcolm dumped Dolly after they made love bubbles as Patrick and Sponge Bob watched. Poor Dolly, staring across the tank. Never knowing if it was something she chirped.
Brenner is a thinking person’s zoophile. He draws a careful distinction between zoophiles and mere bestialists, noting in “Dolphin Lover” that the latter “might just have sex with an animal and walk away,” while the former “is someone who has tender or caring emotions for their animal partner.”
Yeah, but he left Dolly. So doesn’t that make him a mere bestialist?
The point is not a happy one. HuffPost, like Salon, is allowing freaks access to the mainstream. In effort to mainstream freaks. If you think boinking a fish, dolphin, dog, cat, or your second cousin who bears a striking resemblance to Harambe, is normal, no. Stop. You have no place in mainstream society any more than a pedophile.
In the early 2000’s, conservatives were lectured for employing the slippery slope argument when defending marriage as a union between one man and one woman. When conservatives said “If marriage isn’t between one man and one woman, marriage can mean anything, what’s to stop someone from marrying a dog? A cat? A paperclip?” we were accused of being hateful bigots. Love is love, the left chanted. Love always wins, the left proclaimed.
A man freely shared his Swim to Remember with a dolphin. He played Rhett to his slippery Scarlet in Gone with the Blowhole. How’s that “slippery slope” argument looking now?
It’s not normal to make love to a coming attraction. Even if the coming attraction nuzzles you for a mackerel smack. Mackeral snack. Sorry.