Sorry, Leftists! CDC's New Report Suggests Guns are Great for Self Defense...

Understatement of the year: leftists hate the boom sticks. Barry Big Ears used his pen to commission the CDC to research the health effects of firearm ownership. With the obvious intention of having guns declared a public health hazard. Because the children. But, unexpectedly, the CDC's report is likely to create a pandemic of leftist butthurt. Dear liberals: prep thy safe spaces. Bring blankets.

Gun rights advocates have long defended their right to bear arms out of a need for self-defense. And now they have a new report from the Centers for Disease Control that says they make a darn good point.

The $10 million study commissioned by President Barack Obama as part of 23 executive orders he signed in January says “self-defense can be an important crime deterrent.”

...let's pause here to reflect on that statement reached, funded via a commission of our "best and brightest." "Self-defense can be an important crime deterrent." In other news, if a football team wants to make the Super Bowl, it needs to win the playoff games. Also, to prevent dehydration drink water. If your legs are tired from standing, find a chair. Sit in it.

“Studies that directly assessed the effect of actual defensive uses of guns (i.e., incidents in which a gun was ‘used’ by the crime victim in the sense of attacking or threatening an offender) have found consistently lower injury rates among gun-using crime victims compared with victims who used other self-protective strategies,” the CDC study revealed.

Here's the actual passage from the CDC report (which you can download in full here):

Estimates of gun use for self-defense vary widely, in part due to definitional differences for self-defensive gun use; different data sources; and questions about accuracy of data, particularly when self-reported. The NCVS has estimated 60,000 to 120,000 defensive uses of guns per year. On the basis of data from 1992 and 1994, the NCVS found 116,000 incidents (McDowall et al., 1998). Another body of research estimated annual gun use for self-defense to be much higher, up to 2.5 million incidents, suggesting that self-defense can be an important crime deterrent (Kleck and Gertz, 1995). Some studies on the association between self-defensive gun use and injury or loss to the victim have found less loss and injury when a firearm is used (Kleck, 2001b).

Shorter: people who can fire rapidly moving projectiles (usually brass encased) at their attackers have much better chance of living to their next birthday than those people who defend themselves using mainly spoons. Big sticks. Whistles. Hashtags. I could go on but why?

Because it's fun, that's why. Guns make better self-defense tools than a locked window. A barking pomeranian. Loud noises. Your mom. Your mom making loud noises.

Okay, that's enough. If you want to defend yourself, even the CDC has conceded -- probably regretfully -- that a gun is the best choice. Do not use chalk dust. Belly button lint. A sweater made of cat hair. An empty box of thin mints. You want to defend yourself with a gun. Are we clear? Don't make me come up with a list of other things you shouldn't use to defend yourself. I have other things I must take care of.

Of course, liberals will never care about facts or saving lives. They cannot have you able to defend yourself and be, like, self-sufficient. Even though guns aren't the sentient, baby-killing machines leftists make them out to be.

Hey, leftists have their own brand of common sense.

*Updated May 23, 2018 with full passage from CDC for people who, for some reason, cannot download the full report from the CDC.

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