Dear Fat Feminists: leave your clothes on, you’re not brave.
Also… leave your clothes on.
Close the Instagram app, put that camera away. You can likely tuck it into the same corner where you’ll find your self-respect. Also, if you don’t like these first couple of paragraphs, it doesn’t get any better. Fair warning.
Amy Schumer posed kind of nude for Pirelli calendar in a pose I can only describe as “MY EYES, MY EYES!” Because sorry, men don’t find Amy Schumer sexually attractive. Damn, *RETROACTIVE TRIGGER WARNING*. The rolls, that facial expression, the coffee cup? Seriously, why the coffee cup? Is that supposed to be ironic? I’m sitting on a stool in my undies and I’m jonesing for a coffee? I don’t get it. Send help and biscotti.
A crate of biscotti.
What this naked post which made me throw up in my mouth a little, some feminists have called Schumer “brave.” Like this person…
Good for you, Amy Schumer.
— Amy (@AmyStephen) November 30, 2015
Here’s the thing: getting naked isn’t an accomplishment worthy of praise. Because everyone can do it. In fact everyone does. Most people shower, bathe, or traipse around their apartments while naked, checking themselves out while making kissing faces in reflective surfaces. In my case, usually followed by profuse, involuntary vomiting.
Also, let’s talk about this for a second: Heidi Klum or Cindy Crawford getting naked is not praised as “brave.” Why not? Glad you asked. Both women are smoking hot and look good naked. An athlete like Serena Williams, while she may not be your cup of tea, has also earned her physique. When selling nudie calendars, we generally try to sell them with women who look good nude.
On the flip-side, Amy Schumer, Lena Dunham are no more “beautiful” than super-models are “funny.”
But when it comes to Amy Schumer or Lena Dunham or any other feminist who is anything but sexy, they’re labeled “brave.” Brace yourselves for some Crowder-like truth: only ugly, unattractive naked women are called “brave.” Why is it brave for Schumer to be naked? Because she’s unattractive. The conflict is only created because you thrust your naked, gelatinous, amoeba-like body in my face, which conflicts with my desire to not see you naked. Allow me to present some visual aids.
“Hey I bet you that naked lady is really good at telling dirty-jokes” – said no man ever.
Another blatant hard truth: Schumer knows she doesn’t have it. She know’s she’s not hot. Hence that gross, bizarre pose. She’s cutting criticism off at the pass, so if anyone says “that’s ugly” to her, she can say “yeah well duh, that’s the point.”
It’s for that same reason that I make silly faces on every driver’s license. I look stupid… but only because I intended to. See how that works?
Now listen, I think Amy Schumer can be funny. The thing is, as a man, that enters precisely zero into my sexual attraction for her. Show me the funniest women at the bar, and I’ll show you a lady who’s single. That’s a big reason for so few female comics in the first place. Men tend to develop their sense of humor more because it’s often a requirement to be considered attractive to members of the opposite sex.
Women don’t have to be funny, because men want to get naked with you anyway. Unless you look like Lena Dunham. Then, we simply want to end the pain.
Lastly, art has become needlessly self-important. It used to be “art” looked good. It was made for the purpose of being beautiful. Art existing and stood on its own. Now, though, art has fallen into the same moral relativism as the rest of our words: meaningless. When “art” becomes self-serving, it is no longer beautiful and shouldn’t be considered “art.”
So ladies who are unattractive but want to be naked. Fine. Be naked. Be gross. Sit on a toilet and eat cake (Lena Dunham, I’m looking at you). Celebrate yourself for… well, only yourself if that’s what you need to do. But don’t expect me (nor any men behind closed doors) to praise your bravery.
The only people buying your nudie calendar will be the butch-cutted, lesbian chain-gang at BuzzFeed. And that’s the way it should be.
Sincerely, Steven Crowder