Earlier this week, a feminist butter whale put her birth-control-hormone laced fingers to keyboard, hammering out a listicle for her fellow feminist bovines on questions to ask a date. Conservative Twitter laughed at the same punchline: “LOL, feminists don’t go on dates! LOL!” Um, who do you think is giving birth to all these “I’m a transperson at three years old” children? Probably not a cadre of Ted Cruz voters. Not all of these nose-pierced Gaia-worshipers are going to the local sperm bank, stop it. While we’re on that subject, liberals aren’t aborting themselves out of existence either. So let’s be done with that trite talking point.
First dates, especially blind ones, are full of irksome surprises. Not least of all is bad fashion choices, lack of hygiene, or suspicious smells. Bad dates happen more often than bowel movements. Some unfortunate people might find themselves staring across at a feminist. Rather than using the phone call of your mother in the “emergency” room, I suggest you get your entertainment from the evening. Remember, not all feminists are female. So let this list be a starting point for everyone on the gender spectrum. Adapt as you see fit, depending on the species of leftist crouched before you.
ONE: What if there is no patriarchy and you just suck?
Technically this is two questions, yes, but I’m lumping it into one. A double whammy. I’ve found “THE PATRIARCHY!” is usually a global excuse waved by weak women who’d rather not take account of their crappy life choices, instead blaming this mythical, all-male club to keep women down. Make a case in your own way over breadsticks. Ten points if you wave the stick around in phallic fashion.
TWO: How many genders are there?
If they didn’t leave after question one, this one might do it. Sparing you the remaining 8 questions. I’ll let my bro, Steven, handle the bulk of the answers you can give:
THREE: Do you believe in traditional gender roles?
If there are more than two genders, this question is far more complicated and should tide you over until the vegan crab cakes arrive. If gender is non-binary, then so should gender roles, obviously. But what roles should all the genders take? Or should they take any roles?
FOUR: I don’t know, can you afford to eat that?
Remember, you’re all about equality on this date. With preferred gender pronouns being on the rise (according to feminists like the person with whom you’re sharing a date) we can never “assume.” Regardless, you’re not paying for the other person’s meal. They’re not paying for yours. So as your date orders starters, wine, and the filet mignon, double check to ensure that person is paying for his or her (or zir) own meal. Equality, bitches.
FIVE: Are you financially independent?
In the original questionnaire, our feminist jabberwocky asks “Do you think capitalism is exploitative?” despite being on a date where capitalism is in full swing. So, ask your date “Are you financially independent?” You can frame this question several ways, like:
SIX: Are you in immense college debt? Oh, for what major? And how long before you pay it off?
If I’ve learned anything about leftists, it’s the tremendous level of debt under which they’re trapped. Like the chair suffocating under a large feminist’s thighs, plagued with cellulite. No need to feign surprise when your frumpy dumpling date admits to getting their fancy degrees in such studies as sociology, gender theory, and my favorite, “communications.” With the only hope of paying off from helpful politicians like Bernie Sanders.
SEVEN: Should men get equal representation in divorce?
Ah, this one is super triggering. Maybe my favorite. Feminists love to squawk about “EQUALITY!” except when it comes to divorce. Women typically get the primary custody of the kids, sometimes sole custody. Seems if the feminist movement is about “EQUALITY,” it should be a two way street.
EIGHT: Does your allyship include people who don’t have the BMI of a sperm whale?
One of feminism’s favorite pet movements is the “body pride” parade. Not to include people who are thin, or fit, though. That’s privilege. Dumbbells are a social construct of the patriarchy, don’t you know. No, the body pride movement seems to include only those who are better classified as a sub-species of the walrus. Blubber and facial hair included.
NINE: Have you met anyone crazy enough to actually vote for Hillary?
Do I really need to write an explanation here?
TEN: What do you think about Islam’s treatment of women?
My final question goes right to the heart of feminism: if feminism is about women being treated equally to men, then Islam is the boogie transman. About time a feminist answers for the crimes against women, perpetrated by Islam, no? Here’s a helpful article: RAPE CULTURE: Pakistani Woman Reports Rape. Gets Sentenced to Death by Stoning.
Did I leave any out?